One night stands. They happen. Let’s not pretend otherwise.
People are wired to want sex more often than they don’t want sex. Sex is healthy, so it’s good to keep sexually active, even if you’re not particularly looking for a relationship. And looking for a great one night stand slightly ahead of time is better than waiting until you’re so sexually frustrated that you grab Hank The Hobo off the street and bang him in that back alley. At that point you’ll be so wrapped up in your sexual aggression that you forget to wrap him up. Nine months later you literally have someone coming out of your vagina rather than entering it.
No one wants that.
One night stands happen every night. Some people are playboys and playgirls on the hunt for another notch in their bedpost. Others fall prey to smooth talkers and free drinks. Some people have them while they’re already in committed relationships (not recommended), while others use them as a way to get over previous relationships (very recommended).
Just about anyone can bed a friend, or find a jealous drunk girl at a bar with a much more attractive friend who’s getting all the attention. She’ll let us do anything we want to her. But where’s the fun in that? One night stands should be a challenge; A sexual conquest to claim what you feel (for whatever reason) should be rightfully yours. There are many ways to go about this, but I want to emphasize the word “SUCCESSFUL” in this column.
A successful one night stand is more than just sloppily hooking up in a dive-bar bathroom or banging someone in the back of your friend’s Jeep. It requires a clear head, an imagination, a sober penis, and a bit of planning.
Before you leave the house on the night of your journey, the very simplest of basics need to be followed. Have your apartment clean. Have your CD player or iTunes cued up. Have condoms. Be prepared to make drinks (that don’t have the words “Light”, “Lager”, or “Rumplemintz” in them). Be clean.
Transportation is key. Cabs are always the best. They can be pricey, but they guarantee that you’ll eventually get home safe should you fail and drink too much. Plus, you don’t want the guy or girl you’re pursuing getting turned off as soon as you roll up to the club/bar in your busted-ass Honda Civic. Taking a cab also opens up a world of opportunities once last call rolls around. Cabs add to the anonymity of the whole situation.
If you have to drive, it’s definitely not a major setback. Just stay sober. Make sure the car is clean on the off-chance you get someone in there later. You don’t want to have to move all of your old gym clothes and electric company “shut off” notices from the passenger seat as your new friend waits idly by.
This type of “two steps ahead” thinking will come in handy later in the evening.
What to do once you actually make it into the pick-up scene of your choice?
Males: You are looking for three things (in this order): Hotness, aloneness, and drunkeness.
Now, unless you live in a perfect world of “Endless Daddy Issues and Constant Breakups” you’re likely not going to find a girl who possesses all three of these traits. And if you do, stop reading now and grab her up before someone else does. For everyone else, pick two of those options, and go from there.
Attractive and Alone: Pretty easy. Nothing a few drinks (from you to her) and some confident words can’t fix.
Drunk and Alone: Again, not entirely difficult. Nothing a few drinks (from you to you) can’t fix. Just make sure she’s not going to be something you see in the morning/sober that makes you question your entire life/sexuality. Average girls are average. There is absolutely nothing wrong with them. But ugly girls are ugly and ruin lives.
Drunk and Attractive: This is where it gets challenging (fun). She’s drunk, and she’s hot, but, she’s surrounded by her friends. Assess this situation carefully. You can try to be direct and trudge through her friends, trying to buy her a drink or start a conversation. But if they’re good friends, they’ll block you. If you’re by yourself, the best advice I can give is to either buy her whole group a round of drinks so you’re officially “in” with them, or if you’re not ready to drop that kind of cash, strike up a conversation with the most “outside” person in the group. There’s always one that never gets the attention she wants and is on the outs listening in. If you can successfully woo her you might be in line for an introduction with Hot Girl. Just make sure Plain Girl doesn’t get upset by your sudden lack of interest once you’ve been properly introduced. She may need to be your back-up in case of emergency.
This situation changes if you’re with a wingman/men. Everything is much easier in a group. Just make sure you guys have a game plan before entering the playing field.
Ladies: If you’re out on the hunt, the rundown is much easier.
Single men go to bars/clubs for two reasons: To get drunk and watch the game with their boys, or to get drunk and meet women.
Unless there’s something else happening (live music, office parties, etc), that’s really all there is to it. If a guy talks to you for more than two minutes, approaches you first, or buys you a drink, he’s interested. You may not be his number one choice (or maybe you are), but he hasn’t ruled anything out yet.
A lot of women think that “hard to get” is how to play yourself up, but there’s a fine line between “hard to get” and “not interested”. Walk it carefully. Don’t tell him within the first five minutes that you guys are going home that night, but don’t totally ignore him either. We’re good at knowing which game you’re playing.
Tell him to buy you a drink and to come find you later in the evening. Once a man has purchased something (even the cheapest of drinks) for another person, he’s invested. He needs to make sure this investment pays off. We don’t buy drinks for people we don’t want to at least kiss unless we owe them, or it’s their birthday.
This method allows you to play the field, women. Get as many free drinks as you can handle. And when the men approach you again later in the evening, you will have had plenty of short conversations, observations on their behavior, and drinks, to make a sound decision. Either tell them to piss off, give them a fake number, or continue having a conversation with the one/two that you have narrowed it down to. There’s nothing wrong with making men compete for you. At this point, they’re probably just drunk enough to make you a priority and that’s when male chauvinistic pride takes over. They’ll do almost anything as long there’s a chance that they could “win”, even though they’re actually losing by hemorrhaging money.
After contact has been made, things get really fun. Stayed tuned for part 2!
Ryan Drake is a stand-up comedian, podcaster, and avid Twitterer from Oklahoma City. He’s 20-something years old and pretends to know more about women, sex, and relationships than most people his age, even though he is usually quite clueless. He encourages you to follow him on Twitter (@rayke) so you can always know when he’s using the bathroom, and check out his (very crass) podcast if you’re in desperate need of a laugh: www.curbcheckedenthusiasm.com