Blueprint For A Successful One Night Stand Pt. 2

Feb 7, 2011 by blindgal

In my opinion, the greatness that exist within one night stands is all about improvising (lying). This is your opportunitiy to no longer be yourself. This is one of the few situations in life where lying is not only fair, it’s encouraged. Make up anything you want. Assume a whole new identity. If you want to be Harold Ruibks, the neuro-scientist, you can. If you want to be Dallas Thundercock, porn star, you can! And before you feel guily about this, remember that you’re doing this for the other persons benefit just as much as yours. Thinking that they fucked an astronaut is not only a confidence booster, but it gives them a story to tell thirty years down the road. No one wants to hear about the time the that some guy who works overnight in the warehouse at Walmart took advantage of grandma. But everyone will be all ears to hear the story about how grandma rode the charming race car driver around like it was the Indy 500.

Again, this is the most challenging (fun) part of the ordeal, but there are still guidelines to remember:

– Never say you’re from out of town unless you’re (100% sure) planning on staying at her place or getting a hotel. How believeable is it if you claim to be a traveling rock star from California but you “just so happen” to have an apartment full of pets and pricy objects in Oklahoma City. And how awkward will it be when you return to the bar next week, and randomly see the person again after you told them you were about to hit the road again the next day?

– Make sure your friends know what you’re up to. Have them play along, or at the very least, call you by your fake name.

– Make sure that if you have a tab open at the bar, that the girl/guy never hears you tell the bartender your name or hears you close the tab.

This is the type of “two steps ahead” thinking I addressed earlier.

After you win him/her over with your charisma and awesome false identity, it’s time to invite them out for an “afterparty”.

Ask them if they have plans for the rest of the night/morning. If they do, invite yourself along (if they don’t invite you first). If they decline, cut your losses and grab the first wasted girl/guy you can find that’s still stumbling around the bar. Never try to force yourself into her plans (literally and metaphorically).

If they don’t have plans, ask if they would like to continue conversing/drinking. If the answer is “yes”, ask if you guys could go to their place. If she asks why, say something about how FAR away your apartment is, and mention that you took a cab to get to the bar (if you did).

If you get the go ahead to go back to their place, congratulations. You’re like, 95% there.

Now, if the person agrees to hang out for the rest of the evening/morning, but scoffed at your suggestion of going back to their place, go ahead and invite them over. Good thing that you cleaned earlier, cued up your music, and had those drinks ready to be made, huh?

Transportation is important again. And again, a cab would be ideal. Especially if you can split it. Definitely take a cab if you’ve had too much to drink, regardless of the situation.

If the other person insists on driving their car, ride with them, and hope nothing goes wrong. MAKE SURE THEY ARE SOBER ENOUGH TO DRIVE. If they are not, and they refuse to take the taxi with you, pay for the entire cab fare yourself and make them go with you (this is the only time where it’s appropriate to force your way into their plans).

Safety first, kids.

Also, NEVER RIDE SEPERATELY. Riding seperately usually leads to exchanging phone numbers in case one person gets lost. Don’t do this.

Never.

Ride.

Seperately.

Once you’re at their place (or yours), don’t rush into anything. Have a few more drinks, and relax. This isn’t a race. And the mounting tension will get the other person more and more “riled up”.

I’m not going to go into detail about what happens next, just know that since you’ve assumed this new identity, you’re free from all the (ahem) bondage of your previous insecurities. And assuming that you’ll never see this person again, it’s very OK (encouraged, even) to try some of that crazy shit that you’ve never done before and have always wanted to try. Make that bed shake harder than Michael J. Fox in an earthquake.

If it gets weird, it gets weird.

It should go without saying (but I’ll say it anyway) that you MUST HAVE PROTECTION in situations like this. Must. 100%. No exceptions. Be aware that the person you’re hooking up with may very well be playing you just as much as you are playing them. So, even if they say that they’re as clean as a Garrison Keilor story, and could never possibly have kids (for which ever one of the million reasons I have heard in the past)…never ever, ever, do this without protection. Ever.

Ever.

Now, there are a few options for after the deed is done, depending on your location.

If you are at their place, you have two options here: You can either leave immediately following (reccommended), or sleep over. Depending on how exausted you are, your transportation situation (new band name), and if you think there’s a shot at free breakfast the next day. This is a judgement call that you must make on your own. Just don’t cuddle or give the other person any indication that this could be anything more than what it was. You’re not trying to be a heartbreaker, you’re just trying to get laid.

If they are at your place: Hopefully, they get up before you and leave without saying anything. If they are still there when you wake up, it’s time to lie again. You got called into work, or someone is sick, or your place is getting fumigated. Whatever. Call them a cab if needed. Just get them out without letting them explore your apartment too much, and hope they never make a return trip.

If you read all the way down to here, but you still don’t think you could ever pull off something as elaborate, then successfully trying (doing) this is exactly the kind of thing that will give you the confidence you need to believe that you actually *can* do the next crazy thing you read on the internet. Even if you fail, make sure you have fun. It’ll be a nice distraction.

And good luck.

Ryan Drake is a stand-up comedian, podcaster, and avid Twitterer from Oklahoma City. He’s 23 years old and pretends to know more about women, sex, and relationships than most people his age, even though he is usually quite clueless. He encourages you to follow him on Twitter (@rayke) so you can always know when he’s using the bathroom, and check out his (very crass) podcast if you’re in desperate need of a laugh: www.curbcheckedenthusiasm.com