Blueprint For a Successful One Night Stand Pt. 2
We discussed what makes a successful one night stand. Now, we delve further in to the topic–dealing with logistics.
In my opinion, the greatness that exists within one night stands is about improvising (lying).
This is your opportunity to no longer be yourself. It’s one of the few situations in life where lying is not only fair, it’s encouraged. Make up anything you want. Assume a whole new identity. If you want to be Harold Rubiks, the neuroscientist, you can. If you want to be Dallas Thundercock, porn star, you can! And before you feel guilty about this, remember you’re doing this for the other persons benefit just as much as yours. Thinking that they bagged an astronaut is not only a confidence booster, but it gives them a story to tell thirty years down the road. No one wants to hear about the time that some guy who works overnight in Wal-Mart’s warehouse took advantage of grandma. But everyone will be all ears to hear the tale of how grandma took a spin with the charming race car driver like it was the Indy 500.
There are guidelines for successful one night stands:
–Claim a Home Never say you’re from out-of-town unless you’re 100% sure staying at her place or a hotel. How believable is it if you say you’re a traveling rock star from California but you “just so happen” to have an apartment full of pets and pricey objects in Oklahoma City. And how awkward will it be when you return to the bar next week, and randomly see that person again?
–Have a Backup Crew Make sure your friends know what you’re up to. Have them play along, or at the very least, call you by your fake name.
–Open a Bar Tab If you have a tab open at the bar, do it before the guy/girl hears you tell the bartender your name or hears you close the tab.
This is the type of “two steps ahead” thinking I addressed earlier.
After you win them over with your charisma and awesome false identity, it’s time to invite them out for an “after party”.
Ask To Continue The Fiesta If they have plans for the rest of the night, invite yourself along if they don’t invite you first. If they decline, cut your losses and grab the first wasted person you can find that’s still stumbling around the bar. Never try to force yourself into someone’s plans.
Suggest Their Place If they don’t have plans, ask if you guys could go to their place. If they ask why, say something about how FAR away your apartment is, and mention that you took a cab to get to the bar (if you did).
If you get the go ahead to go back to their place, congratulations. You’re like, 95% there.
Now, if the person agrees to hang out for the rest of the evening/morning, but scoffed at your suggestion of going back to their place, go ahead and invite them over. Good thing you cleaned earlier, cued up your music, and had those drinks ready to be made, huh?
Again, transportation is important. And again, a cab would be ideal. Especially if you can split it. Definitely take a cab if you’ve had too much to drink, in any sitch.
If the other person insists on driving their car, ride with them only if they are SOBER ENOUGH TO DRIVE. If they are not, and they refuse to take the taxi with you, pay for the entire cab fare yourself and make them go with you (this is the only time where it’s appropriate to force your way into their plans). Safety first.
NEVER RIDE SEPARATELY. Riding separately usually leads to exchanging phone numbers in case one person gets lost. Don’t do this. Ever.
Once you’re in a place, don’t rush into anything. Have another drink and relax. This isn’t a race. And the mounting tension will get the other person more and more “riled up”.
I’m not going to go into detail about what happens next, just know that since you’ve assumed this new identity, you’re free from all the bondage of your previous insecurities. And assuming that you’ll never see this person again, it’s very OK (encouraged, even) to try some of that crazy shit that you’ve never done before and have always wanted to try.
If it gets weird, it gets weird.
It should go without saying (but I’ll say it anyway) that you MUST HAVE PROTECTION in situations like this. No exceptions. Be aware that the person you’re hooking up with may very well be playing you just as much as you are playing them. So, even if they say that they’re as clean as a Garrison Keilor story, and could never possibly have kids (for which ever one of the million reasons I have heard in the past), never do this without a condom.
After the deed is done, depending on your location, there are several opt-out methods:
Leave Immediately or Sleep Over: The first option is highly recommended. But, there may be a shot at free breakfast the next day. This is a judgement call that you must make on your own. Just don’t cuddle or give the other person any indication that this could be anything more than what it was. You’re not trying to be a heartbreaker, you’re just trying to get laid.
Make an Excuse: Hopefully, if they’re at your place, they get up before you and leave without saying anything. If they’re still there when you wake up, it’s time to lie again. You got called into work, someone is sick, or your place is getting fumigated. Whatever. Call them a cab if needed. Just get them out without letting them explore your apartment too much. That’s just getting too familiar.
By now, if you still don’t think you could ever pull this off, then at least TRYING is in order. After all, why wouldn’t you attempt some crazy thing you read on the internet? And even if you fail, you’ll probably still have some fun. Good luck!
Ryan Drake is a stand-up comedian, podcaster, and avid Twitterer from Oklahoma City. He’s 20-something years old and pretends to know more about women, sex, and relationships than most people his age, even though he is usually quite clueless. He encourages you to follow him on Twitter (@rayke) so you can always know when he’s using the bathroom, and check out his (very crass) podcast if you’re in desperate need of a laugh: www.curbcheckedenthusiasm.com