Hopefully we haven’t all been there and I know we haven’t all chosen the same path afterward. I only know my experience, what I chose and what worked for me. I believe we are dealt certain situations for all kinds of reasons and one of the biggest things that helps me through hard times is knowing I can possibly help someone else through my experiences and storms.
So, the bomb is dropped on you: either the guilty party comes clean, you hear it through the grapevine or the knot in your stomach is relentless until you know for sure….then you do and your world feels like it’s crashing down around you. A million feelings and thoughts run through your veins leaving you to wonder how you will pick yourself up and move on either with or without that person. No one can expect you to think rationally and make a decision anytime soon. It is even more complicated if you have children. Not only does any decision affect you and your life but also the lives of innocent bystanders. What do you tell them? Do you tell them? What is the best decision….let go and move on or try to work it out? What if you try to work it out and in the end you can’t? When do you know it’s time to let go?
Once all of this is (sort of) figured out and things seem to be on the mend another thought burns through your soul. OMGoodness, I have to eventually have sex with this person again!!!!! With this thought came a spine tingling chill and another roller coaster of emotions. A well fed dog never strays but how am I supposed to feed the bastard that just ripped my heart out, stomped on it and then shit on it for good measure? I personally had never even considered this scenario at the time of mending. It was only after he pointed out it had been 3 months since “the incident” and longer than that since we had sex. I told him I didn’t know when I’d be ready, rolled over and played dead until I knew he was asleep. I got out of bed and bawled like I had lost an important person in my life. How could I not have thought about this situation? How does he expect me to be THAT forgiving? Wasn’t it enough that I was trying to save our family which is what he wanted and on top of that I was pregnant (a little surprise that was bestowed upon me 2 weeks after “the incident.”)! I knew we needed to discuss this. I needed to be honest about how I was feeling, as did he, but I also knew I wasn’t thinking clearly with all of these emotions and hormones running through me. I thought it better to sleep on it.
After sleeping on it for about a week we decided to talk about it. I wasn’t ready for the emotional connection but my compromise was to do my wifely duty (only after he agreed to an STD test…I was pregnant and not willing to risk anything!) and fulfill his physical needs. There was not going to be any emotional ties to it until I could be comfortable with it. It was strictly a physical act- no emotion and only physical for him. After all I was pregnant and if I really wanted the physical I had my trusty vibrator which by the way had never ripped my heart out, stomped on it and then shit on it for good measure. No pain came from my pink blissful friend- only pleasure.
I can’t tell you how long this had gone on for but I know it wasn’t until after I had my daughter I began to enjoy sex and feel the emotional connection from it again. Even then I didn’t enjoy it every time and thoughts and feelings would creep in and kill my spirit at the most inconvenient times. It was a long, tough road for both of us. Looking back at the last 5 years, the roller coaster we’ve ridden and the life we have now I wouldn’t have changed my decision for the world. I like what and who we have become, that our daughters have 2 happy, love-filled parents and in return are full of life, love and happiness!
So how could I move on from all of this and truly forgive, you wonder? He was truly remorseful: it was a one night stand not a relationship, he proved his faithfulness, built back my trust over the course of (around) 3 years, was extremely patient with all of my roller coaster-ness and never pressured me or rushed me. I reevaluated the situation and realized that although he had a few choices and chose the most crushing and hurtful one, I wasn’t innocent in it either. I knew I had been a neglectful wife, not with sex, but everywhere else. When you make someone feel like they are not a priority and they meet someone that makes them feel like a king human nature is to gravitate towards the person that makes you their top priority. We both have changed drastically in the past 5 years; we have changed for the better, together. I love my life, my husband and am even grateful for “the incident.” If it hadn’t happened I wouldn’t be the wife, mother, friend, daughter or sister I am today. So, although I wish something else would have brought about this change, I still have my family and my life so it could have been a much worse situation.
photo: google images