Five Offbeat Tips For Newly-Single Parents

Single parents are a tight group. We stick together, watch each other’s backs, and grant special dispensation to each other that we wouldn’t necessarily give to anyone else. We also love to give each other advice so, to that end, I’ve put together a little list of things newly-single moms and dads might want to keep in mind as they re-enter the dating scene. I guess I could call it “Learn From My Near-Misses,” but I prefer to think of it as “My Accumulated Experience.”

 

Lock up your toys – After 13 years of having offspring in my house, I know to stash my toys on a high shelf in the closet and only keep the most innocuous things in my bedside table. Unfortunately, a late-night visitor once shoved something we’d used into my nightstand without telling me, and one of my kids almost stumbled across it when I asked him to grab something from my drawer. Luckily I realized what she’d done a split-second before my son opened the drawer and I threw myself in front of him with the agility of an NFL linebacker, saving him from a lifetime of therapy. The lesson? Always keep your toys somewhere your kids won’t accidentally find them. I know you already knew this, but I’m reminding you anyway because when you’re single and your child asks, “What’s this?” you can’t answer, “Beats me, ask daddy.”

Clean up after yourself – Don’t let afterglow keep you from cleaning up the evidence of your last romp. While a feather or pair of undies on the floor can be explained away, you’ll have a tougher time answering why you have restraints attached to your headboard. Children have an uncanny knack for noticing details and, worse, asking a lot of questions. Oh, and the same advice goes for digital cameras. Download any pictures you take right away and erase them from your device or risk a really embarrassing situation when your kid wants to take photos of butterflies the next day.

Dry your toys wisely- Speaking of sex toys and cleaning, don’t wash your recreational tools in the bathroom sink and leave them to dry wrapped in a towel on the counter. I promise you that will be the one time your otherwise happily grimy child will suddenly decide he wants to wash his hands well enough to perform brain surgery and he’ll want to use your towel when he’s done.

Motel…sixty-nine? – Trust me when I tell you that one of the best things you can do for your sex life is to occasionally invest in a hotel room where you can do, say, and scream whatever you want without worrying you’ll be overheard by your younglings. Don’t feel like you’re doing something sleazy, because you’re not. There’s nothing wrong at all with renting yourself some well-deserved privacy and, besides, no one needs to know but you and your partner. Simply tell your sitter you’re going out to lunch or dinner and a movie with friends and no one’s the wiser.

Floor plans are your friend – About-to-be-single parents, this is a special tip just for you. If you and the kids are moving out of the family home, carefully consider the layout of your new digs when you’re deciding where to relocate. A split floor-plan where the master bedroom a good distance away from the kids’ rooms is ideal if you can swing it because the more distance you have between your room and theirs, the better. Dating and sex may be the last on a newly-divorcing parent’s mind but down the road when your passionate side reignites, you’ll thank me for this idea.

I could go on and on with advice, but I’d rather hear from you. What advice and tips would you give a newly-single parent? Let me know in the comments.

Image: kkirugi