No, this isn’t about violence–keep reading!
Getting Shot is an idiom for self-guided exercises in your pants–commonly referred to as masturbation (which sounds dreadful).
Over the years I’ve had many accomplice that have aided and abetted in my self-gratification, but only one has nearly crippled me. The Bullet remains one of my all time favorite toys; its brought so much joy that I now refer to the self-indulging act as Getting Shot.
I’ve gotten shot lots of times; I’ve gotten shot while horseback riding, shot in a jacuzzi and been shot on the arm of a sturdy chair. Heck, i’ve even gotten shot in the ladies room during a boring date. The point is i’m kind of an expert on getting shot and a how-to-guide of sorts is most definitely in order. Whether you are taking a lover, in a committed relationship or single in the city, getting shot is a proper primer for any occasion.
Now, 6 simple steps on the best way to get shot.
(Requires a minimum 2 hour time commitment)
1. Go to an adult store.
2. Get out of the car and check your surroundings. Naughty novelty stores are often in sketchy areas and the stores themselves, frequented by passion driven sex fiends*. You don’t want to become a part of someone else’s love crime.
*If the allure of horny strangers gets you off– don’t check your surroundings.
3. Once in the store ask the carny looking sales associate if they have any Bullets. In most stores they are sitting right next to the cash register. Make sure to get the plainest looking one, usually between $6-8.99. When asked if you want a bag, say no. It will ultimately show up somewhere unfavorable or blow out of your car in the parking lot of your workplace.
4. Return home immediately and place The Bullet under your pillow.
5. Get your all time favorite (easy access) food, a glass of wine (if you are so inclined) and then eat and drink with Grey’s Anatomy (or whatever your show is). I always pick Grey’s because it has such heavy sexual undertones— nothing more hot than thinking about banging someone who saves lives and makes at least 6 figures.
6. When the show ends and you are feeling relaxed, get your Bullet out from under your pillow, get shot, then go the F to sleep.
You’ll be sure to awake with a sense of renewal and a calm, collected Kooka.