How To Have Lousy Sex

Lousy sex doesn’t just have to be for religious fanatics who feel that “sex is for procreation, not pleasure!” and people who hate themselves or their bodies. Even sexually healthy people in loving, committed relationships can have lousy sex. Here’s how:

1. As foreplay starts, suddenly remember a new bill from the dentist. Mention it to your partner.

2. Do not get a lock for your bedroom door so that your kids can walk in at any moment.

3. Do it on the beach without a blanket, just like they do in the movies.

4. Buy nipple clamps as a surprise for your partner. Try to use them on him/her without having a discussion about it first.

5. Discuss your mother’s impending visit, the kids’ activity schedule or the dog’s visit to the vet after the first few kisses.

6. Be secretly pissed off at someone, preferably your partner.

7. Spend your day trying on bathing suits.

8. Briefly fall asleep during the act. Bonus points if you manage to snore as well.

9. Never cut or file your fingernails. Unless you’re into blood.

10. Leave the TV on, especially if you were previously watching a sitcom with a really loud laugh track and/or Glenn Beck.

What are your lousy sex tips?

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'How To Have Lousy Sex' have 7 comments

  1. February 13, 2011 @ 1:24 pm Dan

    Have sex with me… You’re assured of a lousy time. :)
    Actually, make sure you mention that an old high school girl friend called you up and you’d like to invite her to the family BBQ. … it’ll be impossible to have good sex with a fork sticking out of your neck.

  2. February 13, 2011 @ 1:47 pm lceel

    Take your cell phone to bed with you – and make sure it announces each and every email that arrives for you. And tweets. And FB messages. Because you want to impress her with how popular you are.

  3. February 13, 2011 @ 2:23 pm Jen

    Dan – I think even mentioning the high school girlfriend would ruin things!

    Iceel – Awesome tip!

  4. February 13, 2011 @ 2:53 pm Tweets that mention how to have lousy sex | You Won't Go Blind -- Topsy.com

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  5. February 13, 2011 @ 4:15 pm Elle

    I think I’ve done all of these at one time or another except #4 and #2. The second one hasn’t happened only because my daughter still doesn’t quite know how to open the door yet. Although she does knock over and over while yelling MAMA! That is sure to bring on lousy sex. Luckily we do have a lock on our door.

  6. February 13, 2011 @ 8:53 pm Lady Estrogen

    Make sure you make a big “disappointed sigh” as the idea of sex is initiated, and then reluctantly go along with it anyway. Awesome.

  7. February 15, 2011 @ 2:49 pm Tracey - JustAnotherMommyBlog

    Don’t brush your teeth before bed. Excellent aphrodisiac.

    Tell your wife she’s too crazy in bed. Nothing sweetens her mood faster. Trust me.


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