Just Ask: Is She Out There?

Mar 12, 2011 by KellyL

I am a very sexual person, and I consider myself to be more than a handful in bed. It seems like the only women I’ve ever dated that could keep up with me and challenge me in bed were completely insane. The ones I’m not sexually compatible with I’m often very attracted to and very compatible with in other ways. Some of them are very closed off and I don’t seem to have what it takes to break through the walls they have put up. Some I got the impression that they weren’t very attracted to me, and they weren’t able to enjoy themselves in the bedroom because of that. I want a woman that I can kick it with, that is compatible with me and we have an awesome sex life too. I am always willing to go the extra mile in bed. Is there something wrong with me, or have I just not found the right woman yet?
Horny Handful

John: It’s somewhat common for people who are really good at sex to think that problems with intercourse are their fault. This is because, I believe, you need to be very empathetic to be good at sex, and empathetic people often “see” things that aren’t there. By that I mean that such people interpret neutral signals as signs of displeasure in the bedroom. Then the person, male or female, starts to assume that it is them who is the problem. Put the breaks on that guilt train right now. I can tell you with 100% certainty that your partner’s issues are just that, THEIR ISSUES. If they are not as sexually comfortable as you are, then it is that person who is losing out, not you.

Kelly: I completely agree and would like to happily inform our friend that there is ABSOLUTELY nothing wrong with him. I can easily say that he’s just not found the right woman. The woman he wants does indeed exist! *cough* Wait… what!? Not me! Well… yes me… but not ME… but someone like me! *sigh* You know what I mean. Cool chicks that like to hang out and chill but also love a good roll in the hay.

John: The best a person can do in that situation is make their partner feel as safe and comfortable as possible. I’ve found that you can get a woman to really open up and explore her sexuality if she feels that she won’t be judged for it or feel ashamed in any way.

Kelly: Right… we don’t want to share our most intimate fantasy only to be looked at like we’re from another planet. Or even worse… to be made to feel dirty or inadequate.

John: Some women are very unfamiliar with their own bodies, so they can’t tell you what they like because they do not know themselves. The best way to handle that situation is to get on that exploration train with them (I’m beating that metaphor to death aren’t I?) and help her discover her sexuality. Help her to feel and be sexy, not to you, but in her own eyes. If she feels sexy she will be sexy, and the sexual temperature will spike for both of you. Ask if you can help, but if she wants to tweak her nipples or use her vibrator in front of you without your assistance, that’s cool too. Eventually she will associate your presence with sex and being aroused when you walk in the room. It’s a lot of work, but if everything else in the relationship is clicking it will be worth it.

Kelly: I think you’re on to something there John. There is nothing more sexy than being comfortable in my own skin.  And all of your wisdom is fantastic… but coming from a woman who knows… you can find a woman that doesn’t require all the training. Don’t get me wrong… we confident ladies still need to feel sexy and we certainly want a safe place to share our fantasies. But she’s out there friend. Somewhere she’s pounding back a cold one while her team scores the winning touchdown and you’ll find her.xo