Ladies: Stop Doing These Things

Women are weird.

But, men know that and us choose to love them anyway. Otherwise, we’d all be gay.

We put up with your craziness, your families, your shopping sprees, and most importantly, your periods.

We do all of this because a good woman can bring more happiness and joy than anything else we could ever imagine. We deal with short bursts of bullshit because most of us are smart enough to realize it’s all worth it in the long run.

But there are still other, smaller, things that can grind on us, and make us question that philosophy.

Most men (or people, for that matter) are gun-shy about confrontation, and will never tell a lady about the habits, traits, or characteristics that annoy the shit out of us. There are usually a lot of them and we keep our mouths shut for the sake of avoiding an argument, because arguments lead to temporary unhappiness, and we have made it our life goal to make/keep you happy as much as possible for as long as you let us.

Do not laugh. It’s the truth.

But women must understand that if a man finally has the courage to politely ask them to change something small about themselves, it’s probably because he’s on the verge of a murder-suicide on the inside. He’s probably spent a ridiculous amount of time suffering and arguing with himself over whether or not to actually say anything to you.

I asked some guys to list some of the things women do to them that can cause an internal blind-rage. Some of my favorites:

From @Element3Media – “Say they are ready, then 45 minutes later, leave the house”

Good starting point.

I’m not going to pretend that I am the most punctual person in the world. I’m not. I once had a girlfriend that was supposed to be ready by 10pm for a New Year’s Eve party. We arrived at 12:05am. We missed the midnight countdown. IT WAS LITERALLY A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT YEAR BY THE TIME WE ACTUALLY ARRIVED.

Look, we appreciate that you want to look your best for “us” (even though it seems like it’s for everyone but us), but there is a direct correlation between how hot you look, and how much we want to “go all OJ” on you that should be line-graphed.

From @BlaineBacon – “Chicks that are indecisive are annoying to me”.

Blaine, you’re not wrong for this.

Women, when a man wants something, he will tell you. While you’re trying to choose what to have for dinner now, a man will have already been thinking about this since dinner yesterday. So on those occasions that we mutter “I don’t care”, we mean it. We are telling you that you have the power to eat anything you’d like, and we will happily oblige.

But for some reason, when a woman says “I don’t care”, men see this as a test. At this moment, the guy is already frantically searching his mind for what the right answer could be. And he’s also already assumed that his answer will be wrong, and he’s already freaking out about how comfortable the couch won’t be tonight or whether he will be able to afford the the divorce lawyer’s fees.

You can chalk that up to men being just as bat-shit crazy as women in some regard. But you could also save us the torment by just making a decision once we put the ball in your court, instead of throwing it back at us.

From @FrankDEvans – “Sleep with other men”.

Ha! That’s just comical.

From @WhlteXBread – “Talk”.

I was going to chalk this up to another joke-answer. But, I realized there are definitely times when this is applicable. Mostly, while we are watching sports.

Now, before you get upset at how sexist this sounds, think about it.

Women assume that when we’re watching sports we could also be doing other things like having conversations, vaccuming, cooking, or trying to pay that overdue therapy bill, because sports don’t have “dialogue”. And if we miss something important, they’ll just replay it 100 times.

Not true, ladies. The only acceptable things a man can multi-task along with watching a sporting event is drinking beer, eating food, receiving a blowjob, or drinking beer while receiving a blowjob. That’s it.

The TV needs our utmost attention so we can try to find things that none of our other friends will have noticed. Then we can bring these facts up in conversation later and feel superior to everyone else. You have no idea how much enjoyment we get out of outshining our friends, especially when it comes to sports.

So for you to try and talk with us about your job, your friends, or  life in general, while we’re trying to enjoy overpaid dudes touching each other a bit too much, you need to be prepared for us to kindly ask if it can wait a few hours.

We can let these examples marinate for a while. But men, if you have any more you’d like me to share with the ladies here, please send them to me via Twitter.

Ryan Drake is a stand-up comedian, podcaster, and avid Twitterer from Oklahoma City. He’s 20-something years old and pretends to know more about women, sex, and relationships than most people his age, even though he is usually quite clueless. He encourages you to follow him on Twitter so you can always know when he’s using the bathroom, and check out his (very crass) podcast if you’re in desperate need of a laugh.

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'Ladies: Stop Doing These Things' have 8 comments

  1. March 2, 2011 @ 3:54 pm Dan

    I have an ex-wife (deservedly so) that would get angry at me for something I did to her…. in a DREAM! That was ridiculous. Don’t do this, ladies.

    Also, if we ask if something is wrong and you say, “Nothing”, we will act as if nothing is wrong. If we are concerned enough to actually ask, then please talk. Keep in mind that most men are fixers and not empathizers. We will tell how best to solve your problem. Humor us and say, “Thank you.” If you choose not to talk, whatever anger is in you will build as you convince yourself that we don’t care when, in reality, by asking, we cared.

  2. March 6, 2011 @ 7:26 pm Jezebel

    Things men do, they shouldn’t:

    Interrupt when we talking…constantly.

    Assume every time we tell them something, we want them to fix it.

    Get annoyed when we cannot correctly read what they are thinking.

    Play stupid to avoid doing things especially if they do not like us to play games with them.

    Mumble and then get annoyed when we ask them to repeat.

  3. March 12, 2011 @ 8:07 am Lady Estrogen

    Love it… it could be made into a book the size of War & Peace.

  4. July 2, 2012 @ 7:54 pm Shelley Seale

    These are great, and so right on too. But I must add that men are guilty of these things as well. The whole taking forever to get ready/being late thing? Drives me nuts. I am a VERY fast woman to get ready, I usually beat most men and am waiting for them. And I’ve been in a couple of relationships with men where their lateness, or how long it took them to actually walk out the door, was incredibly annoying. It goes both ways!

  5. July 2, 2012 @ 8:20 pm Chanize

    Yep, you are right! I’ve got a peacock of a man, and the ritual he goes through picking out clothes and getting ready is INSANE. I’ve never seen anything like it!

  6. July 3, 2012 @ 11:53 am Mitchtress

    Men: Do not assume you can read my mind. You can’t. Be glad you can’t. Do not play passive/aggressive games with me to avoid telling me what you’re really thinking. I am not interested in playing with a man who is so weak and ineffectual that he can’t just stand up and tell me what’s on his mind. If it’s going to piss me off – or you think it will, then just suck it up and take your lumps. Also, saying, “no offense” first doesn’t mean I won’t take offense, and it doesn’t release you of responsibility for saying something shitty. I know where your cock is. I don’t need you to show it to me, nor do I need you to direct my hand to it. Trust me; I can find it on my own, and I will. A lot.

  7. July 3, 2012 @ 4:34 pm Chanize

    Methinks someone wants to write a Men: Stop Doing These Things post? LOL

  8. July 4, 2012 @ 8:36 am Mitchtress

    LOL, I think I already did! But, yeah, that would be a blast to write!

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