Ladies: Stop Doing These Things

Mar 2, 2011 by rayke

Women are weird.

Men know that. Yet we choose to love them, instead of all just being gay. We put up with their craziness, their families, their shopping sprees, and most importantly…their periods.

We do all of this because a *good* woman can bring more happiness and joy than anything else we could ever imagine. We deal with short bursts of bullshit because most of us are smart enough to realize that it’s all worth it in the long run. But there are still other, smaller, things that can grind on us, and make us question that philosophy.

Most men (or people, for that matter) are gun-shy about confrontation, and will never tell a lady about any habits, traits, or characteristics that annoy the shit out of us. There are usually a lot of them. And we usually keep our mouths shut for the sake of avoiding an argument and upsetting them. We do this because we LOVE them, and know that arguments lead to temporary unhappiness, and we have made it our life goal to make/keep them happy as much as possible for as long as they let us.

Women need to understand that if a man finally has the courage to politely ask them to change something small about themselves, it’s probably because he’s on the verge of a murder-suicide on the inside. He’s spent hours suffering through whatever particular habit may be bugging him, and has spent an even more ridiculous number of hours arguing with himself over whether or not to actually say anything. He’s just one more obnoxious wine-slurp away from finally giving up on happiness altogether and realizing that a life of cocaine and hookers is probably the closest he’ll ever get to it (note to self: write a column about how awesome Charlie Sheen is).

I decided to outsource this topic to my Twitter friends (@Rayke! Follow me up).

I asked them to reply with some of the small things that women do to them that can cause an internal blind-rage. These were some of my favorites…

(Note: The point of this isn’t to just shit all over women. I understand that a woman could write a very similar article and post even more things that men do that annoy them. I actually welcome this idea, so that all of humankind could read up on these things that we can improve within ourselves to strengthen our relationships. Or something.)

From @Element3Media – “Say they are ready then 45 minutes later, leave the house”.

Good starting point.

I’m not going to pretend that I am the most punctual person in the world. I am not. But JESUSFUCKINGCHRIST, I have had ex-GFs that would make me look like the Adolf Hitler of “not being on time” to important parties or meetings. I once had a girlfriend that was supposed to be ready by 10pm for a New Year’s Eve party. We arrived at 12:05am. We missed the midnight countdown. And it was LITERALLY A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT YEAR BY THE TIME WE ACTUALLY ARRIVED.

The point is, we appreciate that you want to look your best for “us” (even though in most cases, it’s for everyone but us), but there is a direct correlation between how hot you look, and how much we want to “go all OJ” on you that could/should be line-graphed.

And it always seems as if it’s just milliseconds before we unleash all of our pent-up fury about how they have inherited all of their mother’s worst traits, that they will appear in front of us. Ready to leave. Looking absolutely beautiful. Almost like clockwork. So we let out a tiny sigh of relief, stare at their ass, and then proceed with the reminder of why we put up with this freshly re-embedded in our brains.

One, or even two major offenses aren’t that bad. If you want to look your best (encouraged), just take a look back at how late you made us the last time we went out. And then take those minutes, hours, or in my case, years, and subtract them from the time that you actually *intended* to begin getting ready. And then subtract another ten minutes on top of that. You have absolutely no idea how much we will notice, and appreciate, it.

From @BlaineBacon – “Chicks that are indecisive are annoying to me”.

Blaine, you’re not wrong.

Women, when a man wants something, he will tell you. If you are trying to choose what to have for dinner, a man will have already been thinking about this since dinner was over *yesterday*. So on those occasions that we mutter the words “I don’t care”, we mean it. We are telling you that you have all the power to eat anything you’d like, and we will happily oblige.

But for some reason, when a woman says “I don’t care”, men see this as a test. At this moment, the guy is already frantically searching his mind for what the right answer could be. And he’s also already assumed that his answer will be wrong, and he’s already freaking out about how comfortable the couch is going to be tonight or whether he will be able to afford the the divorce lawyer’s fees.

All the while, on the outside, he is maintaining a perfect composure and trying to read your face to get the correct answer. Regardless of our suggestion, and the woman’s reaction to our suggestion, we will assume that we got it wrong. And we will also assume that it is something you will use as ammo in an upcoming argument.

We will never assume that we actually got it right.

You can chalk that up to men being just as bat-shit crazy as women in some regard. But you could also save us the torment by just making a decision once we put the ball in your court, instead of throwing it back at us.

From @FrankDEvans – “Sleep with other men”.

Ha! That’s just comical.

From @WhlteXBread – “Talk”.

I was prepared to chalk this up to just another joke-answer. BUT, I realized that there are definitely times when this is applicable. Mostly, while we are watching sports.

Now, before you get upset at how sexist that was…

Women assume that when we’re watching sports we could also be doing other things like having conversations, vaccuming, cooking, or trying to pay that overdue therapy bill, because sports doesn’t have “dialogue”. And if we miss something important, they’ll just replay it 100 times.

Not true, ladies. The only acceptable things a man can multi-task along with watching a sporting event is drinking beer, eating food, receiving a blowjob, or drinking beer while receiving a blowjob. That’s it. The TV needs our utmost attention so we can try to find things that none of our other friends will have noticed, and then we can bring them up in conversation later and feel superior to everyone else. You have no idea how much enjoyment we get out of outshining our friends, especially when it comes to sports.

So for you women to try and talk with us about your new oven mit, your job, or your life in general, while we are trying to enjoy the image of overpaid dudes in strange outfits touching each other a bit too much, you need to be prepared for us to kindly ask if it can wait a few hours.

Think about if we were trying to talk to you about power tools while you were enjoying an episode of Sex And The City. That should put it into perspective for you.

These are all of the examples I will list for now. But if you have any more you would like me to write about, please send them to me via Twitter and I will do another one of these in the future!

Thanks!