The Sex, it is important, no?
It is a vital part of a healthy relationship. It is the core of who we are, the ability to laugh out loud, enjoy the moment and seal it into our hearts and minds. Why is it then, that when we are buck naked and on our hands and knees, our sense of humor goes right out the window? There are many reasons for things to go “wrong” in bed, most of those moments are manufactured in our heads and then cling to us like cheap suits.
I am here to tell you, it’s time to take back our vaginas, our butt holes and laugh again in the bedroom.
10 reasons to LAUGH in the bedroom
10. Naked Twister: Let’s face it, there are going to be times that the elbow lands perfectly in the groin, or the knees connect directly with his family jewels. I recommend you quickly kiss it better or make a remark about paying extra special care to that area and move on. It wasn’t on purpose, it wasn’t meant to injure, it just happened.
9. Cracking Joints: We are all aging. You are older today than you were yesterday and tomorrow you’ll be even older still. The creaking and groaning of joints is going to happen. Take it as a compliment if your hip joints crack, that means your doing it right.
8. The Hair Pull Heard Around the World: Ladies, those long flowing gorgeous locks are going to get pulled, whether you like it or not. And, trust me when I say this, it’ll probably be when he is ahem kneeling over your head for some lollipop time. He’s going to step on your hair and it will hurt. Get him to lift his knee and voila, problem solved.
7. Unexpected Visitors: If you are a parent, this happens more than you want to admit. Children have sex radar and know exactly the moment to ask for something. If you have roommates, they will crouch outside your door, waiting for the moment in which to knock and as whether you paid the cable bill this month. They enjoy it and will do it over and over. Snicker. And answer them. Or don’t.
6. The Ringing Cell Phone: You are seconds away from orgasm and the phone rings, of course! It’s probably your mother, because, well, she has sex radar too. Do you answer it? Maybe, maybe not. It’s up to you. But I recommend you do your utmost to get your partner off the phone quickly before you’re unable to focus and get off at all.
5. Lost Concentration: This is more for the (cough) men who seem to have lots on their minds. I’m not talking about medical stuff here, like ED. I’m talking about a sudden vision of his high school principal flashing through his mind, ruining any and all sexual feelings. Most times, with a smile and a few well placed hand strokes, you can get his manhood back up and get back to business.
4. The batteries dying: What a bummer! First way to avoid this is to have a Costco pack of batteries stored under the bed. Do not hand them out to your children to power their electronics. This is just for you and your toys. However, if you don’t have the stash under the bed, steal them from the remote control! What would you rather be doing right at this moment? Watching Say Yes to the Dress or knocking boots?
3. Unexpected Vocal Explosions: You are lost in the moment, you are giving it all you’re worth and you scream out something that even a marine would blush at. Don’t worry about it. Look your partner directly in the eyes and say “Oh My God. That was the best orgasm I have ever had!” They won’t remember what you said, and you just scored major brownie points.
2. Farting and Burping: Why oh why do our bodies insist on such noisy ways to deal with digestion? The dirty secret is that we ALL do it! The last place we want to do it is in bed! Hopefully you aren’t farting when the object of your desire is nose level with your naughty bits. If it happens, apologize, offer to get them a glass of water and be extra attentive to his or her bits when you return. No need to speak of it again.
1. Queefing: Yes, the lovely sound a vagina makes when there is too much air forced into it by repeatedly removing and reinserting an object, penis or prop. Well, that’s the medical idea of it anyway. Most women are MORTIFIED by that sound and would rather run naked through Times Square than to have to hear that noise coming from her body. Ladies, while at the moment, you may want to crawl under the bed and die, the very best thing is to say “oops” and keep going. It won’t be the last time it happens and if your partner has any class, they’ll bend over, kiss your neck and keep going.
Keep smiling and enjoy your sex life. After all, shouldn’t we all be having more fun??