I am a sexual contortionist. But, not in the way you’re thinking. I go through amazing physical lengths to hide my body insecurity.
My husband and I used to have a great sex life. He joined the Navy a year after we married, so we’d go months without seeing each other. When he would come home from his deployments, it was all I could do to not rip his clothes off right there in front of the other wives who were watching and waiting for their men on the dock. My sex drive had never been that high, but when my husband was gone for months at a time it was all I could think about when he returned.
We’ve been married for over 15 years now, and places on my body have stretched and sagged. Over the years our sex life has gone down, but my husband assures me it’s not due to my physical appearance.
Two years ago I had my daughter, which led to more body betrayals and insecurity. Sex became exhausting but not for the right reasons.
Before our clothes came off, I’d make sure the lights were out. His hands would roam all over my body and I would suck my stomach in.
I had a move to make my breasts look perky. You know the one. Arms laying at my side and lifting my breasts up so they wouldn’t fall into my armpits.
I’d be in the most uncomfortable positions so I’d look better. Stomach, that had remnants of Caesarean section and abdominal scars sucked in so I could barely breathe, arms holding up boobs, head turned a certain way to disguise double chin.
Let’s not even
To top it off, I’d try to guide my husband’s hands to the one place on my body I wasn’t self-conscious about,my hair.
I’d became a pro at being a contortionist. I’d hoped he might oversee the extra pregnancy weight I’d put on, but the scars are like a big flashing neon sign to me.
Fortunately, I am becoming better with my insecurity although it’s been slow going. I no longer feel the need to wear a shirt to bed, but I still don’t feel like I’m at a place where I can fully enjoy sex like I used to.
Every now and then my husband makes fun of his love handles or a little thinning along his hairline and I hate to hear him talk that way about himself.
If only I could get it in my head that he feels the same way when I put myself down.