Online Dating

Apr 20, 2011 by blindgal

After four years of being out of the dating pool, I found myself unceremoniously dumped the day after Christmas back at square one. I’m over 40, I don’t do the bar scene. I didn’t do the bar scene when I was in my twenties or thirties. I have two daughters at home, so I don’t have the time or the energy or the money to go cruising for a new guy at a bar. Besides, I’m pretty sure Prince Charming isn’t going to be hanging out in the bars.

I went back to where I found my last boyfriend, I went to an on-line dating website. It’s efficient, it’s safe, and I can make initial contact while still in my PJ’s without having to do my hair or shave my legs.

After viewing several dozen profiles and receiving several dozen messages from guys, I have come up with a few, shall I say, requirements, that make it or break it for me.

I should be able to see your face clearly in your profile picture. You can have 10 pictures on your profile, as long as one of them is a clear shot of your face. I don’t care if you have to crop someone out of the picture, I’m just going to assume she’s your sister, and go on. I don’t need to see pictures of your dogs, or your Harley any more than you want to see pictures of my stilettos, but I get that you love your Harley. Great. I’m not dating your Harley, or your dog. I am potentially dating you and I want to see you.

Speaking of pictures, choose wisely. Please for the love of all things holy, when choosing your pictures for your profile, please, please, please make sure they are in focus. I can not stress this enough. It’s really simple, and pretty obvious, and yet you would be surprised at how many guys’ pictures are out of focus. Also? I don’t want to see any pictures of you taken in the bathroom mirror with your iPhone. If you’re embarrassed to ask your friends to take a couple of clear, in focus headshots of you, then maybe you’re too embarrassed to be on a dating website.

Please be original. Everyone is looking for “friends first and we’ll see if something more develops” and everyone is looking to avoid “drama and head games” and everyone is “Laid back, easy going” and everyone’s first date is “dinner or drinks and nice conversation.” Please. Ever had an original thought in your head? Tell me what *you* want, don’t tell me what you think I want. I am here looking for someone I can date, not someone who will blow sunshine up my skirt.

Be honest. If you’re not looking for a relationship, don’t say that you are. If you’re just looking for someone to casually date, or even just a hook up (and yes, there is that option) then be honest enough to say that. Sure you may not get as many replies, but at least you won’t be called an asshole for just trying to hook up with someone when she is honestly looking for something long term.

Ok, so you’ve seen my pictures, read my profile, and would like to know more about me, and you decide to send me a message. I’ve got a few suggestions about messages too.

Put in a little effort. If all your message says is “Hi! How you doin?” I’m going to delete it without even looking at your profile. If you have actually taken the time to read my profile, introduce yourself, and tell me why exactly you think I should check out your profile. Tell me what we have in common. Let me know in some way that you actually looked beyond the pictures to the person and want to know me. One time I got a message from a guy that said “I read your profile. Yes. Just yes. Except for the NASCAR.” I replied with “No. Just flat out No. With no exceptions.” Seriously people? Effort.

Sign your name. This goes back to introduce yourself. If you tell me your name (just your first name, or your initials if that’s what you go by, or even a nickname as long as it’s not Bruiser, or Spike) you have a better chance of getting a response from me. If I make initial contact with a guy, I always sign it “Good luck on your search. Hope to hear from you. Becky” Give me a name, make you a real person I want to get to know.

Have a sense of humor. I know that this is something you either have or you don’t. I’m sorry. Also? Online dating has a stigma about it and we both know it. But if you have a sense of humor about the whole thing, I’m more likely to respond to you. I once met a guy for drinks just a few short hours after our initial contact on line based on his sense of humor. Of course he turned out to be a douchenozzle, but the sense of humor? Got me out the door to meet him. In my book, funny can sometimes trump gorgeous. Especially if you can make me laugh.

Be real. This goes back to being honest above. Please don’t try and be someone you’re not because you think that’s what I want. I don’t want to play games. I am being honest with who I am in my profile and in my messages to you. Please show me the same respect and be honest about who you are when you contact me.

Great. So, you have an interesting profile with great pictures. You have a sense of humor and it appears that you have a clue. We’ve exchanged a few emails, and now you want to meet for a drink. Guess what? Got a few expectations for that too. Shocking, I know.

Have a plan. If you’re going to ask me to meet you for drinks, please have a specific place in mind before you do. Don’t expect me to brainstorm with you to find a place to meet. Make a decision, pick a place, and suggest it. If it doesn’t work for me, I will suggest some other place but usually, I’ll go with your place as long as it’s a public, not shady, well known, place.

Keep it casual. First meetings are awkward enough as it is, without having to be locked into dinner which could seem like a lifetime if things are clicking. Meet for drinks, and if things click, great, we can stay at the bar or go to dinner. If not? There’s an easy out. For either of us.

A little effort. First impressions and all. Summer is coming and summer where I live can get hot and humid. But please, for the love of, don’t show up in shorts and flip flops for our first meeting. A nice pair of jeans or khakis and a nice shirt works. I understand it’s hot and humid, and I don’t expect a tie, but I expect a little effort. After all, I will undoubtedly be in a skirt, and will have shaved my legs. Yes, even for just drinks. I’m awesome like that.

Put down the phone. Please, the world will not come to a crashing halt if you don’t answer your phone or text messages for an hour. If you have children, I’ll make the exception. You can check, but for the love of Pete, don’t text other people while on a date with me.

Pay the tab. Or at least your portion of it. Look, I still like to think that if a guy asks me out he should pay. But I am also confident and secure enough to realize that now days, some guys think we women should pick up our portion, especially if it’s just drinks. Fine. I can deal with that. I met a guy for drinks one night, and apparently he didn’t think things were going very well. Out of the blue he stood up, threw down $4 to cover his beer, said “Good luck on your drive home.” and walked out leaving me to settle with the bartender, including tip.

This is stating the obvious, but apparently it needs to be said. If things did not work out when we met for drinks, do not send me a text the next morning saying “While it’s clear we would never date, would you be interested in a sexual encounter? It would be just for the hell of it.” True story. The answer to that is “No. Just no.” No exceptions.

Becky is a single mom trying to raise two drama tweens to be responsible adults and find time to date. She’s having better luck with the drama tweens. She blogs over at Welcome to My Life where she writes about her dating adventures and life with two wanna be Divas Extraordinaire.

google images: technobuzz.net