Sex and Insecurity
Sex and Insecurity
by Elle
My husband and I used to have a great sex life. He joined the Navy a year after we were married so we would have to go months without seeing each other. While he was gone I had to *ahem* take matters into my own hands. When he would come home from his deployments, it was all I could do to not rip his clothes off right there. “There” being in front of the other wives who were watching and waiting for their men on the dock. I have to admit my sex drive has never been that high but when my husband was gone for several months at a time it was all I could think about.
We’ve been married for over 15 years and during that time things on my body have stretched and sagged. My husband would assure me that it didn’t bother him but I would still be self-conscious. Over the years our sex life has gone down because of it. Nearly 2 years ago I had my daughter and there was more stretching and sagging. With my post-pregnancy body came more insecurity. Sex became exhausting but not for the right reasons. Before our clothes came off, I would make sure the lights were out. His hands would roam all over my body and I would suck my stomach in.
I would also do a move to make my boobs look perky. You know the one. Arms laying at my side and lifting my breasts up so they wouldn’t fall into my armpits. Instant perkiness…ish. I would lay down in the most uncomfortable positions so I would look better. There I was on the bed, stomach sucked in as far as it would go, arms to my side holding up my boobs, head turned a certain way so I wouldn’t have a double chin, all while trying to guide my husband’s hands to a place on my body that I wasn’t self-conscious about, like my hair. I know, totally wild and sexy. RAWR!
I had an emergency caesarean and never had an issue with the scar but I had complications with my cesarean which caused us to have less sex because of the pain I was in. 11 months later I had to have another abdominal surgery. I was left with four small scars on my stomach. Four small, raised, red scars. It took me a few weeks to even look at my stomach and when I did I felt like some kind of Frankenstein. When I finally recovered and my husband and I started having sex again, I would leave my shirt on. He assured me like always that I have nothing to worry about but those scars made me feel so insecure about my body.
Sure I became a pro at being a contortionist so he might possibly oversee the extra weight I had put on with pregnancy but the scars are like a big flashing neon sign to me. It’s been almost a year since I’ve had surgery and the scars haven’t gotten much better, even after using over the counter treatments that promise to reduce them. Fortunately, I am becoming better with my insecurity although it’s been slow going. I no longer feel the need to wear a shirt but I still don’t feel like I’m at a place where I can fully enjoy sex like I used to.
Every now and then my husband makes fun of his love handles or a little thinning along his hairline and I hate to hear him talk that way about himself. If only I could get it in my head that he feels the same way when I put myself down.
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You know, I read something once that completely changed my view on myself during sex. A guy online was talking about how in the moment, men see all of you, and not the little details that we focus on. He said that women friends have told him when guys throw your legs over their shoulders to nail you, you are worried about your boobs rolling off to the sides(true), how your stomach pooches up with the angle(very true), and whether laying like that makes your double chin more prominent.
What is the guy thinking right then? “Look at her, she’s like a contortionist! And her pu**y is like RIGHT THERE!! Awesome!!”
LOL..Just a little perspective!
I need to keep that in mind for next time, Lol! It’s true though, they probably see everything but only have their mind on one thing.
I too wish I cared less about the silly meaningless little things and could remind myself that he doesn’t care. I have gotten better at it over the years. I will be 40 on Monday. But? I am still guilty of letting it take some of the pleasure away from me. Maybe by 41…
Something I struggle with too. What you and Sara wrote? Helps put it all in perspective. Still….
Elle –
We don’t care. Really. I think my wife is as beautiful physically now as she ever has been. But like you, she doesn’t agree. 20 years and 3 kids does a number on a person, but to me it’s all a part of it. Each scratch is a memory, each wrinkle was caused by an event, every gray hair brought about by one of our kids. (ok, our youngest owns most of those).
“Sexiness” is about 90% attitude. It’s not about how close you are to a size six, it’s about that look you give us that makes us think dirty, dirty thoughts, and then knowing that you’re going to follow through later.
I think speaking for myself, because I’m not sure what other men think, being wanted is key. And by wanted I mean WANTED.
THAT is sexy.
Self-confidence is the sexiest thing a woman can possess. I find that an emotional connection is much more vital to a wonderful sexual experience than a physical one. Bodies come and go, but the mind is forever.
I feel ya.
I do so many of the same things. Add in the fact that I almost always have pain during sex and it makes your libido drop into negative numbers.
My suggestion is to wear an opaque nightie. Something that helps hold the boobs in place and covers you tummy a little might make you feel a little more secure.
It worked for me, but not my DH. He’d rather have me wear a bra and I just can’t do it.
I’m at 170lbs. When we got married 14 years ago I was 102. He doesn’t care but I sure do.
Good luck!