Sex and the Pregnant Mom

Jan 12, 2011 by natalie

Sex and the Pregnant Mom

~Maniacalmom aka Natalie

Let me first say this:  Yes, I own a television and YES…I know how babies are made!  I am expecting my fourth child in August of 2011.  This baby was an ambush baby…again…stop laughing!  You know, as a mother of three, I had sex TWICE in November…TWICE and I got pregnant…awesome!

In my previous three pregnancies, my sex drive went through the roof.  I wanted to knock boots all the time, every day!  I wanted to be naked more than I wanted to eat…and for a pregnant lady, that is significant.  This pregnancy…not so much.  Shocking, I know, coming from me.  I spend all my time on my blog complaining about the lack of sex in my life, and now, sex is the last thing on my mind!

I went digging around on the internet about the first trimester, because, you see, it’s been a very long time since I was pregnant and Mother Nature, being the evil bitch she is…releases this chemical in your brain which makes you forget about all the “wonderful” things that happen to you when you are pregnant.  That’s how the world grew to be more than just one man one woman and one baby…amnesia!

Here are some of the wonderful things Mother Nature bitch slaps you with in the first trimester.

Morning Sickness.  Yes, the queasy greasy feeling in the pit of your stomach.  The desire to vomit up every single thing that goes into you.  Thank god, I am not a morning sickness mom.  I feel for the ladies that are.  What really amazes me is that men just don’t get it.  Here you are, bent over the porcelain throne, clinging on to anything that will give you a bit of stability, and honestly, the thing that is going through your husband’s mind…”Man, I could go for some doggie style sex right now!”  Swear. To. GOD!  That glossy sheen on your skin is not a husband repellent, it triggers some chemical in his brain that makes him become the biggest idiot alive, and, if he truly has hold of his “man card” he will probably reach over and slap your ass while you are mid wretch…rawr baby.

Tender Breasts.  Yes ladies, your breast swell to enormous sizes.  While, at any other time, this would be a whole big bowl of awesome, going from a B to a D, this is not the time you are particularly keen on having those girls looked at, let alone fondled.  Any man, worth his salt in testosterone will view your growing boobies at his own personal playground.  After all, they were his to begin with, right?  Now, with their advancing volume, they are so tender, even the thought of fingers brushing against them will make the hair on the back of your neck stand on end.  Add to that, your nipples are preparing to be the sole source of nutrition for a little tiny human being who’s suction will rival that of the Dyson Ball Vacuum.  They are about as fun as a hernia operation right at this moment.

Frequent Urination.  One thimble full of water will garner about 6 gallons of urine. Honest. To. God!  If I hear Big Red say to me one more time…I’m going to kick him in the junk so hard, he’ll need a catheter just to think about taking a piss.  As a pregnant lady, going anywhere public is like getting message from Mission Impossible…your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to walk a public mall for 30 minutes.  In those 30 minutes, you will need to pee at least 6 times.  Dodging the shoppers while finding a public toilet can be the most fun you’ve had since Jell-O wrestling in college that one time.  Never mind the thought of using a public toilet is disgusting at the best of times, now that you are pregnant, even the slightest odour can make your stomach turn, the waft of a public restroom can send you into a 45 minute vomit session!  Plus, now you are hyper sensitive to the filth of a public toilet can make even the bravest woman tremble in fear…stay away…far, far away!

The most wonderful thing about your first trimester….Weight Gain…SUPER.  Not only do you feel like you are waddling everywhere, nothing you own fits you.  Your jeans are suddenly tighter.  Your t shirts are stretched beyond limits for your ever growing boobs.  Every man you walk by gawks at those girls…earning him a swift slap on the shoulder from his wife.  She’s thinking you’re one of “those” women who have paid for the enhancement.  You are struggling to button up those Rock N Republic jeans that you forked out two weeks’ salary for. Dreading the thought of stepping foot in the maternity clothing store.  Oh yes, this IS the most wonderful time of your life.  Take it from me, find your favourite piece of clothing and wear it as long as you possible can…you will NEVER fit into it again…ever.

You take this wonderful mix of nausea, swollen breasts, and multiple trips to the bathroom and feeling like the stay puffed marshmallow man…you have the perfect recipe for NO SEX.  While the men look at it as a free for all sex fest…after all…you “won’t get pregnant!” and, with those beautiful enormous breasts…what woman wouldn’t want to screw like a teenager????  I’ll tell you who…a woman in her first trimester!

Guys, if you ever want to get laid again…take my advice.  Rub her back and bring her water and crackers when she is vomiting for the fifth time.  Don’t slap her ass and shout “yee haw, you look hot bent over like that baby!”  Be gentle with the girls…don’t grab them like they are going to run away from you!  They are sore.  They are tender.  They now belong to the baby.  If she gifts you with the opportunity to even look at them, accept that gift for what it is and don’t get greedy!  DO NOT…I repeat….DO NOT make a smart ass remark when she high tails it for the bathroom for the millionth time today.  Make sure the bathroom is stocked with toilet paper and Oprah magazines!  Last but not least, take every measure to restrain yourself from commenting on her growing ass.  If you ever, ever, ever want to take a ride on the pregnant lady, keep your mouth shut and your arms open.  Hug her, a lot.  Rub her back, a lot.  Tell her she is an amazing gorgeous creature of a woman and you think she is the most beautiful woman on the planet.

If you can make it alive through the first trimester, the second trimester is a carnival ride of epic proportions!  Her hormones are racing.  Her blood is flowing and her lady bits will be begging for attention.

pic courtesy of google images