John and Kelly are a married couple that answers our readers’ intimate questions:
Dear John and Kelly: I’ve been married for 12 years. My sex life is fine but seems to be missing some excitement. It’s very vanilla. My husband is very conservative and I’d like to try experimenting with sex toys. How do I approach the subject and make it interesting without sounding intimidating?
Kelly: Wait, did I send this in? Ha! 12 yrs…conservative…vanilla…sex toys.I tease! (Kinda) Twelve years is a long time. Things are bound to go stale at some point. Aren’t they?
John: 12 years is a long time for anything, especially to be having bad sex. Hell, 12 minutes is a long time to have bad sex. The greatest defense against bad sex is choosing a partner who will never become boring. Seeing as how I doubt the writer of this question has a time machine, going back in time and making a better choice in partner is impossible. What I suggest is some slight behavior modification. You know, the old carrot and stick routine.
How best do you make a guy interesting though?
Kelly: He had to be somewhat interesting when they got married. There was something about him that initially got her excited. Go back to that. Once she finds that thing that he does that excites her, then I say it’s time to introduce something new. I’d approach it with a conversation something like this: (He’s in bed and she comes into the bedroom wearing something that will get his attention) Honey, you know I love that thing you do. I’ve been thinking we might add something to it to spice things up a bit. (She produces a non threatening, simple bedroom toy). I don’t see how he could deny her that.
John: When it comes to men, especially with me, actions speak louder than words. When you have a conversation with a man, that convo gets filed with all of the other conversations you’ve had with him.
Consequently the talks you have about sex get filed in the same part of our brain as the talks about where to go on vacation and what to have for dinner.
To make a difference in your sexual relationship, you have to DEMONSTRATE that a change needs to be made. If you know your partner (and you should after 12 years) you should be able to figure out some ways to give him an over-the-top orgasm. That will spur his sexual curiosity more than any words will, and then once you have him on the hook, you can manipulate his behaviors to suit your needs. It may seem a little sneaky and underhanded, but it will be better than what you are currently going through, right?
Kelly: I’ll let you have the last word in your manly wisdom. Oh, wait. I just got the last word.