So I’m laying in the bed with Lover (boyfriend) on a Sunday morning. We are watching a House Hunters marathon and neither of us have brushed our teeth. I have no intention of doing that or brushing my hair for at least 3-4 hours.
Then in a totally non-erotic gesture, Lover twaddles his fingers on my thigh. I ignore him because I know exactly what he wants. “Mmmm” he sighs in my ear and starts to rustle around in the bed. I still ignore him. With no reaction he turns hastily in the other direction. He’s pouting now. After 20 seconds, realizing I dont care he says, “you’re just going to let me sit here with a hard-on?”
What a question to ask! 1) with that breath and 2) on the Sabbath day.
I play dead. Maybe he’ll think I’ve suddenly fallen into the deepest sleep. Alas, he knows this isn’t likely because although I lay perfectly still, I forget to close my eyes.
I only want to watch television in peace, but I don’t think Dick is going to leave me alone. Dick is so persistent today, and sometimes I hate him.
I turn over, look at Lover then at Dick. Dick is ugly and Lover is a Cheshire cat. Lover says “See how excited he is for you? My face contorts into a smile. I’m not sure how I feel about this. Lover is caught in the moment, he and Dick are like Tom and Huck on a Saturday morning. I’m stalling now, coyly propping pillows sipping my water rubbing Lover’s arm. I know the longer I wait, the less time Dick can stay around. I mean I’m going to do it. I know I ought to play with Dick if I expect any productivity out of Lover today.
Lover reaches for the TV remote to turn it off. “Why don’t you leave it on? We never leave it on during sex,” I say. Lover is tickled by this idea. I make sure to position myself in sight of the TV as I dont want to miss House Hunters. The next episode is ‘International’, you know. Dick might be more enjoyable if I’m focused on a vacation home in the south of France.
Now Lover and Dick are closing in on me and it’s time to turn on the sounds. Sounds are the sighs and gasps that you put on during sex so that Dick knows he’s working.
The young couple on House Hunters has a budget of $500,000 to spend on a French chateau on the Rivi–ahh-aaah-oooh-era. Mmmhmm– Oh, what’s that? Dick is already done? Lover sighs “I must be tired,” he says as Dick hastily retreats before my very eyes. He quickly rolls over and hops out of bed. “I’m going to shovel the snow now.”
Six whole minutes of lust and Lover is ready to take over the world. I mentally pat myself on the back for being a Good Samaritan this Sunday. My generosity and goodwill towards men has yet again earned me a get out of church free pass and a shoveled walk.
Lauren Kinsey is a 27-year-old Phd student, waiting for her live-in boyfriend to put a ring on it.