I often wonder if men genuinely consider what turns women on. The whistling, cat-calls, guttural utterances or looking at you like a sack of Rally’s fries indicates otherwise.
Sometimes when he’s feeling particularly sassy while we are grocery shopping, renting a movie or doing any other perceptibly normative activity, Lover (my boyfriend) will abruptly smack my ass, grin and suggest, “you like that huh?” with an accompanying wink. My ass stings and my face says ‘are you effing serious right now?’ But somehow, this doesn’t compute.
I’m sure some woman out there whose love tank is on E, may be wishing their partner slapped their ass in front of the pharmacist. But, I’ve got nothing for them. This is for the rest of us who are just not feelin’ it.
I understand the notion that flattery and attention are accepted ways to get a women’s attention, however boorishness won’t get you laid.
And bad behavior makes a vagina shut down. For me, that comes in the form of underwear in the middle of the bathroom floor, a beer bottle permanently affixed to the coffee table, the loud fart that woke me 15 minutes before my alarm, or that he used my bathroom emergently after eating chili.
Sexy time is cerebral for women, so a whistle and an ass smack won’t cut it. But there are 10 things that will:
Do the dishes One of the sexiest things a man can do is be elbow deep in suds. The lingering smell of Original Palmolive is like cologne.
Pick up your draws When I start a new day, I don’t want to brush my teeth standing in the crotch of your FOTLs.
Clean the toilet and the shower I would be so goddamn impressed if this happened. It’s been my experience that men are like little children in this respect, shitting all about but not wanting to wipe up their sprinkles. Um, I can clean up your grown man piss but you cant? Come now.
Put the seat down My ass has touched the commode’s cold water far too many times for me to come back to bed feeling like getting it on.
Control Your Emissions Let’s not toy with one another. You ate chilli, so don’t assume I still want to “do it.” I know better than to put pressure on your tummy.
Understand My Moods Don’t expect me to transition from watching Real Housewives of Beverly Hills to us having sex in this dinky two-bedroom house. Well, maybe not right away. I need a minute to get back to reality.
Don’t Be Creepy Asking me to have sex after I’ve just watched Law & Order: SVU is just plain insensitive.
Don’t Be Passive-Aggressive When you say “so, you’re just going to go to sleep?” We both know what you’re really asking. Use your words.
Give Me Grown-Up Compliments Tell me my legs look really great in these shoes, not that my ass is ‘bangin.’ My ass is bangin, tho.
Remember I Have A Brain Also, I have a heart and courage. But, I’m no Dorothy Gale, so don’t treat me like I wear pig tails and carry my lunch in a basket.
Women like a little ego stroking too and at the end of the day it’s better to stroke her ego, otherwise you’ll wind up than wind up stroking something else on your own.