What Turns Women On

By: laurenkinsey

I often wonder if men genuinely consider what turns women on. The whistling, cat-calls, guttural utterances or looking at you like a sack of Rally’s fries indicates otherwise.

Sometimes when he’s feeling particularly sassy while we are grocery shopping, renting a movie or doing any other perceptibly normative activity, Lover (my boyfriend) will abruptly smack my ass, grin and suggest, “you like that huh?” with an accompanying wink. My ass stings and my face says ‘are you effing serious right now?’ But somehow, this doesn’t compute.

I’m sure some woman out there whose love tank is on E, may be wishing their partner slapped their ass in front of the pharmacist. But, I’ve got nothing for them. This is for the rest of us who are just not feelin’ it.

I understand the notion that flattery and attention are accepted ways to get a women’s attention, however boorishness won’t get you laid.

And bad behavior makes a vagina shut down. For me, that comes in the form of underwear in the middle of the bathroom floor, a beer bottle permanently affixed to the coffee table, the loud fart that woke me 15 minutes before my alarm, or that he used my bathroom emergently after eating chili.

Sexy time is cerebral for women, so a whistle and an ass smack won’t cut it. But there are 10 things that will:

Do the dishes One of the sexiest things a man can do is be elbow deep in suds. The lingering smell of Original Palmolive is like cologne.

Pick up your draws When I  start a new day, I don’t want to brush my teeth standing in the crotch of your FOTLs.

Clean the toilet and the shower I would be so goddamn impressed if this happened. It’s been my experience that men are like little children in this respect, shitting all about but not wanting to wipe up their sprinkles. Um, I can clean up your grown man piss but you cant? Come now.

Put the seat down My ass has touched the commode’s cold water far too many times for me to come back to bed feeling like getting it on.

Control Your Emissions Let’s not toy with one another. You ate chilli, so don’t assume I still want to “do it.” I know better than to put pressure on your tummy.

Understand My Moods Don’t expect me to transition from watching Real Housewives of Beverly Hills to us having sex in this dinky two-bedroom house. Well, maybe not right away. I need a minute to get back to reality.

Don’t Be Creepy Asking me to have sex after I’ve just watched Law & Order: SVU  is just plain insensitive.

Don’t Be Passive-Aggressive When you say “so, you’re just going to go to sleep?” We both know what you’re really asking. Use your words.

Give Me Grown-Up Compliments Tell me my legs look really great in these shoes, not that my ass is ‘bangin.’ My ass is bangin, tho.

Remember I Have A Brain Also, I have a heart and courage. But, I’m no Dorothy Gale, so don’t treat me like I wear pig tails and carry my lunch in a basket.

Women like a little ego stroking too and at the end of the day it’s better to stroke her ego, otherwise you’ll wind up than wind up stroking something else on your own.

image: Google

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'What Turns Women On' have 4 comments

  1. March 4, 2011 @ 9:31 am Sara O'Flaherty

    I *think* I get where you were going with this, and I think the tone was supposed to be funny, but unfortunately what comes across is a list of excuses not to have sex. You just watched a tv show about people with a bigger house than yours and now your own is too small to have sex in? He just ate chili? Last I checked, human digestion takes a couple of hours, you can’t spare 10 minutes as soon as he puts his bowl in the sink? And he didn’t put the toilet seat down? Come on, seriously? How is this his fault you didn’t look? And here’s the real question, did you put the seat back up for him when you were done? No? Well there’s why there’s pee all over the floor in the morning. If you can’t be expected to look when you are half asleep, neither can he!

    I appreciate your piece(and I LOVE the sextrology! :D ) but the fact is I hear far too many excuses from friends, coworkers and media why they can’t/won’t have sex, and then want to blame the man in their lives for it. Sex is something you choose to do, and the more you do it, the more you want it. The more he gets it, the more he’s inclined to do the nice things that make you want it. If what he has is a nagging wife who withholds sex at every excuse, why should he make the effort?

    Too many women wait for their man to fix this that or the other before they’ll start putting out regularly. They don’t realize making that step and putting out regularly is where the rest of it starts to get better ;)

  2. March 4, 2011 @ 11:46 am laurenkinsley

    I appreciate your comments. Unfortunately ‘the more you do it the more you want to do it’ is not the greatest advice. In fact, this reaction is more likely make you dislike sex. Mistrust and dishonesty are actually the most frequently cited reasons for failed relationships. Communication is key for a healthy sexual relationship; If you dont feel like having sex because your bloated, tired or your mind is just elsewhere, then you should not have it. Feigning arousal is just as awful as lying. I’m not a sex-pot and I want my partner to know, that while I do enjoy sex, i’m not going to back flip onto his cock every time he winks at me. For women arousal *is* cerebral; we just don’t have the same physiological responses that men do. This post was all in good fun, maybe turned a light on for some and just tickled others.

  3. March 4, 2011 @ 8:15 pm Lady Estrogen

    I have one to add to the list.
    A man that is sweet with his kids – ugh… I melt and get a little flushed around the gills.

  4. July 24, 2012 @ 9:29 am Mitch

    Treat me with respect. A wink and a smack on the ass will get him shut down for the night, and if he does it in public, he’s on the No Fly list until he learns better behavior. Throw in “you like that, huh?” and he’s banned for life.

    Also, remember that we’re all different, guys. Just because your last girlfriend thought farting and belching were funny does not mean your current girlfriend does, and there’s nothing wrong with either of them. Learn who we are, decide if who *you* are will mesh, then the relationship actually has a shot.


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