When I initially set out to ruin YouWontGoBlind.com with my laser-accurate insight into the male psyche, I never imagined they would task me with writing something that directly references a piece already published on their site.
I mean this is a website for women, after all [Eds note: Not just women, Ryan!]. Not a website for women to write wonderfully worded quips about how men are boring, blah blah blah. So imagine my surprise when I was told that my next assignment was to write a column that was akin to this piece, but on an opposite sexual level.
It was written by a (probably) lovely lady named Lauren Kinsey. Her condescension towards men (and the fact that she thinks we all just quit masturbating when our ladies actually are interested in us) is worth a read.
I suggest you take a look at it before continuing on here if for no other reason than to see her use of the phrase “dick and/or angus beef patty”.
It’s pretty fabulous.
She notes that women tend to reward their men with sex after they do something nice like buy them flowers, listen to their words, or agree to sleep in the same bed as them while their vaginas are bleeding. And that is a huge fundamental difference between males and females. Women view emotional attachment as “the relationship” and sex is just an added bonus (if it’s good).
Men view sex as “the relationship” and emotional attachment is just an added bonus (if it’s good).
Women can get off emotionally just as much as men can get off sexually. So for me to describe the reasons men get bored with relationships?
The number one point would be that they don’t have enough sex.
This isn’t a problem women can fix, though. If they gave in every time a man wanted sex, the world would be a different (awesome) place.
So, with that as the understood ‘elephant in the room’, here are other reasons a man loses interest in a lady:
The Infraction: You Make Us Claustrophobic
There are times when spending a night at home watching movies on the couch with our lady sounds like a great idea. But not all the time. Women seem to smother men more than vice versa. Not every single night needs to be spent going over possible home renovation pipe-dreams and cuddling on the ottoman because the dog is sprawled out across the bed.
The Remedy: Give Us 1-2 Nights with The Guys
Let us go out and have our fun without checking in on us every five minutes. Let us go out, have some drinks, tell all our friends that we’re going home to our wonderful girlfriends to have brain-melting sex. And when we get home, we’ll be so psyched that our ladies actually let us out of the house for a night that we’ll do whatever it takes to make you happy and to earn that brain-melting sex.
The Infraction: We Are Hunters*
I have written in the past about how most men enjoy the thrill of the chase. It was mostly from a “one-night-stand” point of view, but this logic definitely translates to relationships as well. Once we have something that we’ve been chasing (a relationship/regular sex with an amazing girl) we tend to consider ourselves winners. That’s the end of that particular game for us. We move on to tackling whatever else is happening in our lives and the woman is just kind of there for a lot of the remaining relationship, unless they do something about it…
*Not necessarily an “infraction” a woman can control
The Remedy: Make Yourself The Next Thing We Need To Conquer
Challenge us. We already got you to sleep with us and agree to spend a large portion of your life with us, but what’s next? Are you going to just sit idly by while we move on to focusing on work or our fantasy football leagues? If you do, welcome to Boringville. Instead, make us make you a priority. Keep us on our toes. Be spontaneous so we can’t help but be distracted by you. Make us want to figure you out, and then make that take 1,000 years.
The Infraction: Other Women Exist
This is not at all meant to infer that all men pine to be with other women once they are in relationships, because that’s factually incorrect. But if a man is in a relationship with a ‘boring’ woman, and stuck at a ‘boring’ job/life, his tendency to cheat on you will (obviously) go way up.
The Remedy: Be The Thing We Look Forward To
This article on The Huffington Post deduces that 10% of the men who cheat on their significant others are IT workers. And that another 8% work in the “financial industry”. These statistics tell me that nearly 1-in-5 men who cheat lead boring lives in the workplace. It’s no wonder they’re out looking for some sort of after-hours adventure to give them a reason to live. But this is where you can step in and stop this monotonous lifestyle! If you follow everything I have said and keep your man from being bored, you will be the thing that he looks forward to seeing/doing after his sleepy shift at the office. And we will never even consider that sleeping with another woman could bring us some sort of ‘excitement’ that aren’t already enjoying.
We need you ladies to save us from ourselves and our curiosity!