Please use this as a handy guide for your laid-off or underutilized “ego”.
In an effort to help you better understand why your woman is not always percolating like a hot little sex pot, I consulted with
some of my girlfriends and the message is clear–it’s the little things that can transform a woman’s voracious sexual
appetite into a sudden interest in solitude and reading erotic fiction.
That means, she’s lost interest in you, dear.
These commonly reported infractions are guaranteed to lead you down a path of self-guided pleasure– and by that I mean you, your hand and your thoughts. But, the tips offered will also help reclaim your swag and get you back on track.
The Infraction: The Messy Romantic Dinner “You decide to cook dinner for me to be romantic, and then leave the memory of your preparation & cooking all over the kitchen? Am I thrilled you cooked? Yes. Is it still romantic that there’s a 99% chance I’ll wake up to a sink full of dishes? No.”
The Remedy: Tie Up Loose Ends “This is a great idea if executed properly, if not it just feels like more work for me—which is not relaxing or romantic.” It’s all about the entire experience for women; it’s not always the thought that counts.
The Infraction: Being a Sloppy Joe “You want me to be sexy? You should be sexy too– not in tattered boxers and a 5 o’clock shadow. It’s OK sometimes, just not all of the time.”
The Remedy: Do Unto Others “Look, we all have our down times when we look less than our best and that’s totally fine. In most cases however, women will try to sass it up a bit for sexy time. Whether it’s putting on a little make up, wearing something salacious, perfume, pumps or all of the
above; women know how to put on a show.” While men enjoy and often request these accoutrements, they don’t often follow the golden rule.
The Infraction: Being Speedy Gonzalez “Although I have my moments, it’s not often that I can transition from slow to hoe in 60 seconds.”
The Remedy: Pace Yourself “Women don’t think of sex nearly as much as men and are not as easily aroused.” A little motivational foreplay always pays off as women tend to be less primal and more cerebral when it comes to intimacy.
The Infraction: You’re Afraid of True Blood “You’d think it’s enough that I’m bloated, cramping and wondering if there’s a God, but then you put me in the “friend zone”. Abbreviated affection, no cuddling and reduced proximity are clear signs that you are scared I will bleed on you. I
will remember how you acted and when it’s over, I certainly won’t be eagerly awaiting your return. Hell, I might not even tell you when
The Remedy: Go With The Flow “I assure you, this is not a recreational activity that I do for a thrill.” Sure, sex may be off the table for 3-5 days, but this relationship is more than just sex, right? Don’t be a jerk about it. And P.S. whatever you do, don’t say/ask “You are on your period AGAIN?!” or “How many days left?” You are just asking for trouble.
The Infraction: You’re Mr. Predictable “Switch up the routine. Make plans without me being involved. Just freakin’ do something out of the ordinary!”
The Remedy: Surprise Me “Just because you think flowers are totally underrated, 8/10 times it will result in you getting sex, a steak or extra time on Call of Duty.” If you have a signature touch or signal that means you’re ready for sex, level up. It sounds so Cosmo-y but it’s true, variety gets you laid more.
The Infraction: You’re Not Engaged “Relax. I mean ask me about my day; know about my life. I shouldn’t have to re-explain who each of my coworkers is every time I tell you something about work. “Remember I told you…” gets old. Trust me, I remember the details on all your dumb friends.”
The Remedy: Pay More Attention “If I was talking about blow jobs and hamburgers you would never forget what I was talking about. My nana’s
health is just as important as your dick and/or Angus beef patty. Show some respect.”
Let these tips guide you and I’m 100% sure your cup will runneth over with the flesh! Testimonials welcome and appreciated!