Is There More to Marriage Than Sex?

By L. Lopez

I did not get married to have sex.

Let me say that again. I did not get married to have sex. Saying that, I did get married to have sex because when I was growing up it was stressed, and I believed them in a very odd way, that you could not have sex, literally, if you weren’t married.

That said, it wasn’t my reason for walking down the aisle. I did it to have a partner. To have someone to go to the movies with. A friend to walk in the park with. I wanted someone to help cut the grass and pick out furniture, and raise kids, and annoy me. I needed someone to support me and cry on my shoulder. I married for a bunch of reasons that had very little do with sex.

I’m telling  you, if you get married to have sex, eventually, you’re going to be disappointed.

I’ve been married a few decades now, and I know, the kids come and your desire for sex, the energy, and the alone time, is going to be hard to find. They grow, so it gets better. But then you have stressors like the job, the mortgage, Little League, and growing old pains. There will be a time in your life when you give so much to everyone else that you don’t feel like a person.  And who wants to have sex when you feel less than attractive?

That’s when you discover, if you’ve married wisely, that life as a married couple is so much more than sex. It’s also the test of a marriage.
Believe it or not, there are married couples who rarely have sex and both parties are happy.

Or never have sex and maybe never will because they married for the companionship not for the physical union.

My marriage began like many other marriages, we had sex and lots of it, every day, several times a day. My husband is military so there was a year we spent apart and had no sex. On his return, it was like having sex with someone new. Then the kids came and the energy and desire waned. As they grew, we bought a house and suddenly the kids became teenagers and we worried if we made noise they’d know what we were doing. (Not sure why we thought this mattered.) Now we are both nearing fifty and with the economy the way it is, both our jobs are at risk. Add more stress, some minor physical ailments, and for a time I wondered why I remained married.

If I wasn’t having sex with this person, and I wanted to, then why was I still keeping the house and kids and cooking and all the other things that goes along with being married?

I came to realize is my spouse is my best friend. I don’t need sex to be happily married, I simply need my friend.

Life is hard. Being in a long-term committed relationship will be the hardest thing you ever do.

Be honest with yourself and your expectations and be open with your partner about your needs, desires, and your willingness to share theirs.

That is the key to a long happy committed relationship.

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'Is There More to Marriage Than Sex?' have 8 comments

  1. August 13, 2012 @ 5:53 pm Bren

    Yes. This could be me. The sex is a bonus. The friendship, trust, laughter and comfort are parts of my marriage that I treasure. We still have pillow fights. If we’re both awake at 2 in the morning, we’ll get dressed and head to the Waffle House for a middle of the night breakfast, and then go home and go back to sleep. We lay in bed and get the giggles. He’ll sneak a box of Teddy Grahams into the bedroom and just so I don’t have to listen to him crunch them, I’ll eat some. He’ll call me when he’s onthe way home from work just to vent cause he’s had a bad day, and when he walks inthe door, he’s over it, because he’s already talked to me. We cook together, and occasionallyhave our own happy hour while we cook. We’ll each take off with our own friends for a get away, and miss each other while we’re gone. he helps me enjoy life.

  2. August 13, 2012 @ 9:07 pm Laurie

    absolutely 100% agree…. my husband is my partner.. as such we do a lot for and with each other… and we do things apart from each other. at the end of the day – knowing he is going to come walking in the door is the best part of my day..

  3. August 13, 2012 @ 10:07 pm Kim

    I have to thank you for this. It put some much needed perspective in my life. I’m no longer married, but I am dating my best friend. Part of what ended my marriage is we stopped being friends somewhere along the lines. I need to remember to treasure that part of my relationship now, and not get so caught up in the lack of sex that comes with it. At the end of the day, the friendship will mean more than the sex ever will.

  4. August 13, 2012 @ 10:38 pm Tootie

    I married my best friend, as well. Thirty-three years later the sex has dwindled, but he still makes my heart flutter. Age and illness have taken their toll on our intimacy, but the love and friendship just grows stronger with each passing year.

    And I’ll let you in on a little secret – when you’re faced with your best friend’s mortality, sex is the the *last thing that enters into the equation.

  5. August 14, 2012 @ 3:26 am Sherri

    This is such a sweet article. It warmed my heart and I found it inspiring. Nice job. :)

  6. August 14, 2012 @ 5:05 pm Lori Lavender Luz

    I going to print multiple copies of this post and then use them as wedding gift wrapping paper.

  7. August 17, 2012 @ 12:56 pm Mrs.Fun

    I love this.
    Sex is important to me because I LOVE it so much. There are still times when sex gets put on the back burner because of kids, stress, work….
    Luckily I married my best friend and we have lots in common and enjoy each other.

  8. January 10, 2013 @ 11:16 pm Kaitlyn

    I truly love this.So many people,and websites say sex is so important and that a marriage can’t be healthy,strong,and happy,without it.I find it disgusting that people use sex to keep their marriage doing well.Getting some should not be the key to staying in love,staying together,and staying happy.The person you’re with and getting to spend every day with them should be the reason you are happy,not what they have to offer.You can get sex anywhere,and it can be meaningful as well as meaningless,it shouldn’t be the reason to keep a marriage together,the reason to still be sweet and caring towards each other,etc. Sex or no sex,being married is to be together forever with the person you lobe,no matter what.Love and marriage shouldn’t survive on physical craving.Sure,sex makes you closer,but when it comes down to it,it’s just a way to satisfy a physical craving.It doesn’t mean love when it comes down to it.True love and what I consider a great relationship is wanting to be with that person always,no matter what,whether you get some or not.Being silly with them,having fun,being yourselves,and being best friends no matter what life throws at you.Wanting to always hold them,cuddle them,hold them wherever you go,and give them cute kisses all the time,and always just wanting to have that person to hold forever and tell you love them,is love.That’s a true bond.Anyone can go out and fuck to get their personal enjoyment out of the way,but not everyone can be best friends and stick together.So to me,yes,sex can make you closer,but,anyone can just go out and have sex with anyone,it’s for enjoyment,and to repopulate.But the love where you wanna be with them no matter what just because they make you so happy,and you can sit and talk about anything,and just be best friends,is actual love.If a marriage can’t survive without sex,or you have to resort to cheating over sex,then you do not love the person,and sex was the main reason you were together in the first place.Because without that real love,then what you have is nothing.

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