Sex? Do I HAVE to Do It?

Courtney Stevens

After getting 2 kids  and myself ready and out the door in the mornings,  I’m  usually exhausted by the time I get to work.  When I get there I’m faced with paper work, clients, phone calls, emails, and not a lot of time to juggle them all.  I’m there for eight hours, but you wouldn’t know it by the amount of work that either piles on my desk or (lucky me) gets brought home to finish.

After work I get to cook dinner, help with homework, give baths and do the bedtime routine. When that’s  finished and I can finally sit down, relax, put my feet up and dive into the latest book I’m reading, I usually have my third “child” (whom I am legally bound to for forever) giving me “the look.”

Come on ladies (and guys too) you know what look I’m talking about.

The look that says, you have been neglecting me, why don’t you come into the bedroom so I can give myself, err, you, a few minutes of pleasure.

For a long time I’d follow him to the bedroom and pretend to love the intimacy we were sharing, all the while thinking, ‘Is my sister taking the kids to daycare in the morning or is it my turn? Will I get my work done tomorrow or was it stupid not to just bring it home tonight? Did I sign that permission slip and return it to the rightful folder? Oh wait, what is the book about again? Oh yes, I can’t wait to get back to it.’

Then reality sets back in, “Oh yes, honey that was great, thank you.”

I’d hurry out to get back to my book and my 15 minutes of silence before heading to bed myself. I was exhausted and sex was just another chore. Don’t get me wrong, I love my husband, I love the emotional connection, I love the passion and I definitely love the pleasure, but who thought sex during the work week was a good idea? I am too stressed out and too tired for this.

Of course he started noticing and getting suspicious that it was him.

It had to be that I was either no longer attracted to him or he wasn’t able to pleasure me.

After being able to read uninterrupted after the kids went to bed four nights in a row, I knew something was wrong. He finally brought it up to me and asked was it him? I gave him the “it’s not you, it’s me speech” then cited all of the above for him to understand.

He didn’t give me “the look” again until the weekend.

The following week, no “look” was to be found in our home and truth be told I knew he wasn’t happy about it and I started missing it.

Something needed to be done.

We sat down, talked, and came up with what would work for us. He would help with homework while I made dinner. We alternated the bath time routines and we BOTH did bedtime.

The first night there was no need to give me a look at all. I was in our bedroom waiting for him; after all it was a turn on to see him working with me as a team, spending time with his kids and wanting to make things easier on me even if it was for selfish reasons.

The second night took a little “look” (hey my memory isn’t  what it used to be!) When I went to fill the obligatory duty (giving it the feel of more of a chore than anything good again) he sensed it. Instead of saying anything about it or getting upset he took my hand and told me to lie on my stomach. I have to admit at this point I was getting a little scared of what was going down, but when he started to give me a massage and ask me about my day the chore feeling melted away.

I have never had the chore feeling come back again.

He knows when it’s time for the massage and when it can be quick.

I know too many young couples with young kids who put their sex life on hold because it’s too much of a chore. I cannot tell you how happy I am that my husband didn’t give up that easily on our sex life.

I’m not sure who told him about the massage and talking, but God Bless You for it.

So tell me, is your sex life more, “Do I have to?” or “Let’s Go?”

images: Google and Superstock

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'Sex? Do I HAVE to Do It?' have 13 comments

  1. February 9, 2011 @ 8:31 am Amanda @ High Impact Mom

    It depends…sometimes it feels like a chore, but when the husband does things right it’s oh-so-nice. ;-)

  2. February 10, 2011 @ 8:26 am lceel

    It’s more like … “When was the last time? I don’t remember. Do you?”

  3. August 6, 2012 @ 1:42 pm Sherri

    It sounds like this couple has great communication. Communication is the most important thing in any successful relationship. I’m glad you guys were able to talk it out and work it out.

  4. August 6, 2012 @ 1:49 pm Laurie

    kids are grown now and although we had our “is it a chore” times… we were able to figure out what would work for us… you have to talk and you have to share the parenting duties…. then it can definitely become “it’s OUR time” again… 25 years later – 24 of them raising kids – it’s still “Let’s Go”

  5. August 6, 2012 @ 4:54 pm Mitch

    I’ve definitely had the “it’s a chore!” times. I’ve found that every day is too much for me, even if I’m not exhausted because I *like* reading. I *like* playing a HOG on my computer while he’s sitting next to me at his own computer (so I can get him to do the hard puzzles!) and it’s not something I want to feel like I’m rushing through because he needs to get to bed and we still have to have sex. We finally settled on a compromise that worked for both of us, too.

  6. August 6, 2012 @ 10:39 pm Chanize

    I don’t think I’d want to have sex every day even if I could. I’m one of those “familiarity breeds contempt” type of gals. I’m a quality over quantity person for sure. The only thing that made me cringe was referring to her husband as her “third child”. We probably have all done it at one time, but that’s part of the problem, isn’t it? But, I am glad this story has a happy ending.

  7. August 6, 2012 @ 10:59 pm Maria

    We have sex once or twice a week, if the stars are aligned and the children(we have 4) STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM THE BEDROOM. I have had many times of feeling like it was just another chore to check off my list. I’d enjoy it, sure. But I still had the checklist going in my head. That has only changed since I reached my mid-30’s. Maturity? Sexual peak? I don’t know. I don’t have near the sex drive that my husband has. But even if I did, I don’t think we’d manage to get it done much more than we already do. Damn kids!

  8. August 7, 2012 @ 12:31 am Chanize

    Twice a week? I think you’re showin’ off, Maria! Here’s your gold star! ;-)

  9. August 7, 2012 @ 12:50 am Steph

    We probably aim for once a week, sometimes every other week unless he is surly and needs to be poked into submission . Honestly with work, the kids, the home and night classes, I am tapped out, and my dh doesn’t get the hint and does not help out. I cannot do it all. So any marital relations that might occur usually happens on weekends.

  10. August 7, 2012 @ 7:54 am Miss Rose

    What’s with the every night? What happened to the morning? Sometimes it’s just what I (we) need to kick start the day. And I agree that there is nothing more sexy than a man cooking and cleaning. Seriously guys, it can be considered foreplay some days !!

  11. August 7, 2012 @ 9:17 am Mitch

    @Steph: I’d stop hinting and start telling. “You know, honey, I’d be more willing and able to play if you’d give me a hand with the work.”

    But then I’m not subtle in any way. Why waste time tiptoeing around when a sledgehammer does the trick in half the time? ;-)

  12. August 7, 2012 @ 10:09 am Steph

    I don’t hint I just don’t do it.

  13. August 7, 2012 @ 11:07 am Abby

    We have sex…a lot. But there are still those times for both of us where we’re tired or cranky or whatever. And we have both given the gift of “I really don’t feel like having sex right now, but I love you enough to have it anyway.” There have also been those times when one of us says, “Do you want to have sex?” And the other says, “Do *you want to have sex?” Then we both say, “No, let’s watch TV.” :D

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