Stop Having Vanilla Sex!

John and Kelly are a married couple that answers our readers’ intimate questions:

Dear John and Kelly: I’ve been married for 12 years.  My sex life is fine but seems to be missing some excitement.  It’s very vanilla. My husband is very conservative and I’d like to try experimenting with sex toys. How do I approach the subject and make it interesting without sounding intimidating?

Kelly: Wait, did I send this in? Ha! 12 yrs…conservative…vanilla…sex toys.I tease! (Kinda) Twelve years is a long time. Things are bound to go stale at some point. Aren’t they?

John: 12 years is a long time for anything, especially to be having bad sex. Hell, 12 minutes is a long time to have bad sex. The greatest defense against bad sex is choosing a partner who will never  become boring. Seeing as how I doubt the writer of this question has a time machine, going back in time and making a better choice in partner is impossible. What I suggest is some slight behavior modification. You know, the old carrot and stick routine.

How best do you make a guy interesting though?

Kelly: He had to be somewhat interesting when they got married. There was something about him that initially got her excited. Go back to that. Once she finds that thing that he does that excites her, then I say it’s time to introduce something new.  I’d approach it with a conversation something like this: (He’s in bed and she comes into the bedroom wearing something that will get his attention) Honey, you know I love that thing you do. I’ve been thinking we might add something to it to spice things up a bit. (She produces a non threatening, simple bedroom toy). I don’t see how he could deny her that.

John: When it comes to men, especially with me, actions speak louder than words. When you have a conversation with a man, that convo gets filed with all of the other conversations you’ve had with him.

Consequently the talks you have about sex get filed in the same part of our brain as the talks about where to go on vacation and what to have for dinner.

To make a difference in your sexual relationship, you have to DEMONSTRATE that a change needs to be made. If you know your partner (and you should after 12 years) you should be able to figure out some ways to give him an over-the-top orgasm. That will spur his sexual curiosity more than any words will, and then once you have him on the hook, you can manipulate his behaviors to suit your needs. It may seem a little sneaky and underhanded, but it will be better than what you are currently going through, right?

Kelly: I’ll let you have the last word in your manly wisdom. Oh, wait. I just got the last word.

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'Stop Having Vanilla Sex!' have 11 comments

  1. February 28, 2011 @ 8:30 am JR

    There’s no such thing as conservative. Everybody – *everybody* – has fantasies. The obstacle is getting him to feel comfortable enough to admit what his particular dirty dreams are. He has to be convinced you won’t think he’s a freak when he tells you that he wants to be tied to the kitchen counter and spanked with a spatula.

    As for toys, forget talking, and don’t assume that the only way to show him is to get *him* off. I say lead by example and get *yourself* off. Far be it for me to steal their column, but here’s what I’d do:

    1. Go get whatever toy turns *you* on. Don’t think for a second about whether he’ll enjoy it or not. This is “If you’re stuck alone on a desert island for the rest of your life, what toy do you take?”

    2. Take a little time to get to know it. Pick a private time where you won’t be disturbed by anything or anybody, including him. Figure out *exactly* what gives you an earth-shattering orgasm.

    3. Pick a time when you two are alone in the house, undisturbed, but not doing anything together. Triple word score if he’s doing something with a finite end time, like watching a movie, so you can time it. (Careful with sports. If his team wins, you may get a home run, but if they lose, he certainly won’t be in the mood.)

    4. While he’s doing whatever he’s doing, slip off to the bedroom and get yourself going. Do whatever does it for you. No sexy lingerie to turn him on. You don’t want it to look like it’s a setup.

    5. As whatever he is doing is coming to a close, ramp it up. This time to put the vibe on high and transform into the wanton sex goddess.

    6. When he notices you’re missing, he’s going to wonder why. If he’s properly curious, he’ll come looking for you – perfect. If not, no problem, just add a little noise. Don’t make it sound like you’re being eaten alive by rabid squirrels, just enough low, muffled moaning to catch his attention.

    7. When, driven by curiosity or piqued interest, he comes to investigate, get caught in flagrante. This is not the time to be blasé – he needs to walk in and find you well on the way to a sheet-clutching, head-snapping, somebody-is-going-to-have-to-pour-me-back-into-my-clothes climax.

    8. When he walks in the door and his jaw hits the floor, finish your current scream of ecstasy, look him confidently in the eye, gesture towards the turbocharged sexual power-tool at hand, and say “Why don’t you take over here?”

    9. Silently count to sixty. That gives him forty-five seconds to get his jaw off the ground and fifteen to get naked.

    10. Enjoy.

  2. February 28, 2011 @ 9:03 am Colleen

    And if that doesn’t work, try telling him you had a dream about whatever it is you’d like him to do. When all else failed with my hubby, this worked – its very non-threatening! (And I must thank Cosmo for the idea…)

  3. February 28, 2011 @ 11:20 am ShredderFeeder

    When a woman want’s to “Spice things up” that’s alright, but inevitably when a guy proposes that, he’s going to have to hear hours of “you don’t love me anymore” and “what do you mean I’m not good enough for you” and so forth and so on.

    Luckily for women they have the ability to do propose doing something about it. Men usually just have to suck it up and deal with it…so to speak.

  4. March 1, 2011 @ 12:03 am coyotejohn

    I would agree that people more attuned to a masculine personality take suggestions of change less personally than those with more stereotypically female traits. I say it that way because I definitely respond to things more as a woman would than most men, even though I’m completely straight, and I’ve met more than enough women who live their lives from a more manly perspective. In any event, if a person is sensitive they’re going to take all suggestions personally, so that is probably a larger issue. I don’t think that this issue is too complicated, I think it just takes more… elbow grease… than great planning. Great sex is very often a sprint, more like a frakkin Triathlon.

  5. September 4, 2012 @ 12:40 pm Mitch

    Jeez. Whatever happened to: “hey, I ran across this idea on the internet/in a magazine/on a tv show and it looks like fun. Wanna try it?”

  6. September 4, 2012 @ 12:52 pm Laurie

    I’m very curious as to why John feels men need to be “manipulated” into doing something. Not all conversations get filed in the “I’ll get back to it when I think I need to” part of the brain… Makes the man sounds “simple”… not so in all relationships. Also – the person asking the question didn’t seem to think she picked the wrong man…. seems she was asking for ways to approach a conversation she wanted to have.
    My advice -to the original question.. do a little research, see what’s out there and then buy something simple and straightforward… and fun.. and experiment.. if you can’t laugh together – learning to use those toys may be more stressful than you would like!

  7. September 4, 2012 @ 12:57 pm Momto3

    Good point, Mitch. But I’m trying to figure out how “my sex life is fine but missing excitement” to being “bad sex” (as referred to by John)? If she’s nervous about it, there’s probably a reason. Some men will take that as “she’s not satisfied by me and wants something I can’t give her”. And I disagree with ShredderFeeder – I think men are much more likely to be defensive about it than women. And I think it’s more a “masculine” trait than feminine. Men(most) see their performance as everything and if they get a sense that what they’ve been doing isn’t working, that can very much lead to being sensitive and wondering where they went wrong and it being all about them. I think Mitch’s suggestion is best. JR’s suggestion sounds good too, but is only for somebody bold enough to “go there” and if somebody has been married 12 years and isn’t sure how to bring up sex toys, it sounds to me like they’re not ready for that. LOL

  8. September 4, 2012 @ 1:26 pm Meg

    Heck my man feels jealous of my toys.. hates when i use them.. thinks i enjoy them better than i enjoy him.. hmmm? and the only thing he wants to spice up is too have a 3 some and im not willing to catch an STD or risk him getting another girl pregnant.. Thoughts?

  9. September 4, 2012 @ 4:35 pm Mitch

    Well, I’m not the original writer, but if it were me, I’d ask him to use those toys on me and ask what toys he wants me to use on him.

    I’m sure there is some jealousy going here. If you can reduce yourself to a screaming, writhing bundle of happiness with a BOB, what can your man do for you that’s better? If you were watching him yell himself hoarse with pleasure from a pocket pussy, would you be happy if you couldn’t get him to that pinnacle yourself?

    I’d tell him absolutely no on the threesome, teach him how to make you scream and learn together what does that for him.

  10. September 4, 2012 @ 4:36 pm Momto3

    Meg, if you are not comfortable with a threesome, I would definitely not do it. There are many toys that could be used for both of you. Have you tried any of those? Or let him pick one that he’d like to try on you or both of you. Maybe you could print out the sex bucket list from earlier and propose that he pick one of those to try?

  11. September 5, 2012 @ 1:24 pm Abby

    First….vanilla sex does not = bad sex. The original writer did not say “bad sex.” In fact, she said sex was fine. She’s just looking to experiement a little. My husband and I got on a path of non-vanilla sex because I was the one who initiated an interest in being spanked, bit, etc. It’s progressed from there to experimentation in a lot areas. Some things we tried and discontinued either because we both weren’t into it or ONE of us wasn’t into it. Some things we tried and have tweaked along the way to make it more pleasurable for one or both to mutual satisfaction. We have a varied repertoire now of “types of sex.” ;) One of which IS vanilla sex. Which is far less “stale and boring” when it is not the “norm.” Now it’s also in the classification of “different.” Bottom line, as with ANYTHING…communicate. Start with telling him, “Hey, I’d like to try something new.” But have something specific in mind. Nothing is going to kill it like, “Um. I don’t know. Just new. Something different.” If you’re the one who wants to explore, you have to be willing to take the lead…at least in the beginning. After the initial doors have been opened, you have to communicate very, very clearly and be very, very honest regarding what you do want to try or don’t want to try. If you don’t like something…don’t do it. Explore your limits. Good luck. :D

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