Sunday Morning With Dick

by: LaurenKinsey

So I’m laying in the bed with Lover (boyfriend) on a Sunday morning. We are watching a House Hunters marathon and neither of us have brushed our teeth. I have no intention of doing that or brushing my hair for at least 3-4 hours.

Then in a totally non-erotic gesture, Lover twaddles his fingers on my thigh. I ignore him because I know exactly what he wants. “Mmmm” he sighs in my ear and starts to rustle around in the bed. I still ignore him. With no reaction he turns hastily in the other direction. He’s pouting now. After 20 seconds, realizing I dont care he says, “you’re just going to let me sit here with a hard-on?”

What a question to ask! 1) with that breath and 2) on the Sabbath day.

I play dead. Maybe he’ll think I’ve suddenly fallen into the deepest sleep. Alas, he knows this isn’t likely because although I lay perfectly still, I forget to close my eyes.

I only want to watch television in peace, but I don’t think Dick is going to leave me alone. Dick is so persistent today, and sometimes I hate him.

I turn over, look at Lover then at Dick. Dick is ugly and Lover is a Cheshire cat. Lover says “See how excited he is for you? My face contorts into a smile. I’m not sure how I feel about this. Lover is caught in the moment, he and Dick are like Tom and Huck on a Saturday morning. I’m stalling now, coyly propping pillows sipping my water rubbing Lover’s arm. I know the longer I wait, the less time Dick can stay around. I mean I’m going to do it. I know I ought to play with Dick if I expect any productivity out of Lover today.

Lover reaches for the TV remote to turn it off. “Why don’t you leave it on? We never leave it on during sex,” I say. Lover is tickled by this idea. I make sure to position myself in sight of the TV as I dont want to miss House Hunters. The next episode is ‘International’, you know. Dick might be more enjoyable if I’m focused on a vacation home in the south of France.

Now Lover and Dick are closing in on me and it’s time to turn on the sounds. Sounds are the sighs and gasps that you put on during sex so that Dick knows he’s working.

The young couple on House Hunters has a budget of $500,000 to spend on a French chateau on the Rivi–ahh-aaah-oooh-era. Mmmhmm– Oh, what’s that? Dick is already done? Lover sighs “I must be tired,” he says as Dick hastily retreats before my very eyes. He quickly rolls over and hops out of bed. “I’m going to shovel the snow now.”

Six whole minutes of lust and Lover is ready to take over the world. I mentally pat myself on the back for being a Good Samaritan this Sunday. My generosity and goodwill towards men has yet again earned me a get out of church free pass and a shoveled walk.
Lauren Kinsey is a 27-year-old Phd student, waiting for her live-in boyfriend to put a ring on it.

image: istock

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'Sunday Morning With Dick' have 8 comments

  1. February 4, 2011 @ 8:28 am Tweets that mention Sunday Morning With Dick | You Won't Go Blind --

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  2. June 10, 2012 @ 11:25 am Sara O'Flaherty

    WOW…I mean this in the kindest possible way, but this is quite possibly one of the saddest things I’ve read in ages. I understand you are trying to be funny, but I have to wonder how Lover would feel if he read about your ‘generosity’ and lack of interest in your sex life. Watching House Hunters while having sex? REALLY?

    A great sex life takes effort sometimes. My husband and I both get up and pee/brush our teeth first thing upon waking so that sex is an option without nasty morning breath. Even if we don’t do it, it’s nice to have it out of the way when we snuggle. And honestly, I think having a tv in the bedroom is kind of a sex-killer.

    Obviously this is what’s working(or not) in your relationship, but my *personal* opinion is when the day comes I’d rather be watching some stupid tv show than getting it on with my sexy husband, you might as well shoot me.

    Maybe the humor in this one is just lost on me.

  3. June 10, 2012 @ 12:15 pm ArtsyJen

    I thought that was hilarious. You can be Miss SuperLover all the time

  4. June 10, 2012 @ 12:31 pm ShredderFeeder

    You know – Personally, as a man, I think she did a great thing. Nothing throws me off my whole day than getting pushed away in the morning. I mean, a little willingness to make ME feel better when I feel the need will *ALWAYS* translate to me getting things done to make her feel better in return. If not, as in this case, sexually, by getting things done around the house that may not get done otherwise.

    Conversely, not being interested in me will almost always translate to me sitting on the couch all day watching TV. It’s a give-and-take thing.

  5. June 10, 2012 @ 1:32 pm Tootie

    Yanno, this whole site is done pretty much tongue in cheek (or your orifice of choice). I don’t think it’s sad so much as it’s funny as hell, only because if we’re all *completely* honest, we’ve ALL had these moments. If a woman says she’s 100% invested in sex 100% of the time, IMO she’s either lying or delusional.


  6. June 10, 2012 @ 4:34 pm Jodi

    I laughed, but I wouldn’t have even been as nice. Not everyone is interested in sex, let alone first thing in the morning.

  7. June 11, 2012 @ 2:03 am Chanize

    I think admitting to strategic positioning of “House Hunters–International” is hilarious. And yes, anyone who says that they are always 100% in to it is a fibber, IMO. And here at YWGB, our whole point is to show the good, bad, and sometimes ugly side of sex and relationships. If we can’t be honest about it here, then women go around thinking they are inadequate because they aren’t Playboy ready 24/7.

  8. June 11, 2012 @ 11:25 am Mitchtress

    I love House Hunters International! I love Dick, too. Not at the same time, though; I don’t have the ability to concentrate like that. I tend to focus on the colorful and shiny.

    Tell ya what, though; there is nothing IMO wrong with letting him have his way with me at times. I don’t have to be into it for him to get something out of it; I just have to be willing. And I have to turn off the tv…

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